


Galavant - An Iker's Tale

by lovinthelads



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-05-12 21:26:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5681410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovinthelads/pseuds/lovinthelads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the series "Galavant" - the musical comedy about our hero, Iker Casillas, and his quest to regain the love of his life, David Beckham.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Way back in days of old,  
There was a legend told  
About a hero know as Iker….

 

Iker was in love with David Beckham. David was gorgeous, and, let’s face it, the two of them were gorgeous together. Iker had wild dreams of he and David living together forever in a cottage by the sea…

One day, Iker and David were out in the village. Iker was looking to buy a present for David. It was odd for the two of them to be out of bed, and, quite frankly, Iker’s squire Cesc was amazed to see them fully clothed.

“Sir,” Cesc said as he approached the pair. “We’ve had a…” Cesc began, about to tell Iker that the evil king was about that day and that Iker, as the hero, might do something about it.

“Look at those little pigs!” David said as he cooed over some piglets for sale.

Cesc sighed in frustration as Iker went to inspect the animals. While he did, determined to buy one for his beloved, David went to look at some cloth for a new formal suit he wanted to make. He knew he shouldn’t asked Iker for two things in one day, for even though Iker was a well to do knight, he was hardly royalty.

Cesc gave up and went to go and see about having Iker’s house cleaned. Nearly as soon as he left the scene, a fine carriage pulled into the middle of the village.

“It’s the king!” whispered many, and David turned in interest.

Out of the window of the carriage indeed was the king himself, Gerard Pique. And he was eyeing David.

David gave him a smile. While the king was known to be a tyrant, David knew it never did you any good to enrage rich people who might buy you something.

Gerard licked his lips and David turned away.

Ew.

However, even as David wondered what kind of sleezeball the king had to be, his arm was roughly grabbed.

“The king wants to have a word.”

David found himself looking into the face of a rough man who very likely could have eaten David whole.

“Who are you?”

“Diego. The king wants a word.”

David was about to protest that he might have come of his own free well when he was yanked off his feet and thrown over the brute’s shoulder.

Iker was buying a piglet for David when he heard the scream. Turning, he saw David get thrust into the carriage and the door slammed.

“DAVID!” he shouted, but his hands were full of pig and Cesc was no where to be seen. Helplessly, he watched the royal carriage pull away with his David inside.

Abandoning the pig, Iker charged back to his house to get his sword and a horse to follow. He found Cesc dusting.

“What?” Cesc asked, annoyed.

“THE KING HAS TAKEN DAVID!”

“SHIT!” Cesc replied and dropped his duster. 

“I HAVE TO SAVE HIM!”

“Dude, if the king wants him, there’s not much you can do…” Cesc started to say, but was ignored. Cesc rolled his eyes. Oh well, at least Iker was doing something rather than just mooning over David. Seriously, things were a lot more fun when Iker was interested in being a knight and not just in love.

“CESC! MY SWORD!”

Cesc got out Iker’s sword and helped him bridle his horse as he took off for the castle. Cesc hoped to hell he didn’t go getting himself killed. He’d be seriously annoyed.

Iker took off for the palace and half way there realized he didn’t know where the palace was. Three wrong turns later, he finally found his way to King Gerard’s palace only to discover it was the wedding day!

Iker deftly fought his way into the castle, taking down everyone who tried to stop him. He’d get to the wedding just in time to save his David!

Iker stalked into the throne room where the wedding was happening. The room was filled with any manner of royalty, and stood at the front of the room with the evil King Gerard was David, looking amazing in a white suit.

“So sorry to interrupt.”

“Iker!” David cried out happily.

“This wedding will happen over my dead body!” Iker announced, eliciting a gasp from the assembled gentry.

“We can arrange that!” King Gerard said and gestured to Diego. The hulking henchman moved forward and Iker took an involuntary step back. Holy crap that guy was big.

Iker regained his composure as he gazed at his beloved. “Diego and I can fight, if that’s what you want, but here’s the thing, I love him, King Gerard. He’s the last thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of in the eve. And you can offer him great fame and fortune, but only I can offer him great love. And that is what he chooses.”

“Actually…I’ve been thinking a lot about it and…I think I’m going to go with the fame and fortune.”

“Yes!” King Gerard crowed.

“Seems like an easier life, you know? I’m really sorry, Iker. I hope we can be friends?” David said with a sweet smile.

Iker did not smile back. It was like he’d been punched in the gut.

And then he was punched in the gut by Diego and he went down like a sack of potatoes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year later....Iker's not doing well.

A year later...

Pepe Reina needed a hero, and he needed one fast. His home land of Valencia had been taken over by the evil king, Gerard and his husband, David Beckham. King Gerard had never been kind, but since marrying David, he was even more nasty.

He’d taken over Valencia to get a hold of the Jewel of Valencia. Pepe had fled with the jewel which he intended to use to bribe someone to help him free his parents, the Kings David Villa and David Silva, from the clutches of the evil king.

At least, that was the story he was going to tell…

“Iker!” Cesc came running into Iker’s room where he was unsurprised to find Iker passed out. He nudged him. “Iker!”

He got a grunt in reply.

“Iker! Prince Pepe Reina is here! He needs our help.”

Another grunt.

“Iker! We need the money, dammit! You’re out of credit at the pub and I haven’t had a proper meal in weeks.”

Iker opened an eye. It wasn’t a lie, his squire looked like he could use a bit of fattening up. He grunted again and closed his eyes. His David didn’t love him and he had no reason to live.

No, David did love him, the evil little voice in the back of his head told him. But David had left him for fame and fortune. He loved him…but not enough to stay.

Around him, Iker could hear the crashing of Cesc trying to clean up the hovel they’d moved to after being kicked out of their house a few months ago. They were barely making do with the little money they had left. But Iker didn’t care. He didn’t have David. He wanted to die.

The door opened, letting in a flood of sunlight that hit Iker on the face. He cringed.

“Iker, this is Prince Pepe,” Cesc introduced and kicked the bed. 

Iker opened his eyes again, squinting at the silhouette in the door. “Go away.”

Kick.

“Iker would be happy to hear you out, Prince,” Cesc said through gritted teeth. He bowed graciously to the handsome bald man, and backed out of the room.

It was Pepe’s turn to squint into the darkness. “Are you the hero Iker I’ve heard so much about?”

Iker sat up with a belch. “Maybe.”

Pepe sniffed. “What is that smell?”

“Me.”

Pepe made a face, but soldiered on. He didn’t have the luxury of being grossed out. But before he could begin his plea, Iker spoke again.

“Yup. Haven’t bathed since my beloved left me at the altar.”

Pepe frowned. “He left you in the middle of your wedding?”

“I suppose it was the middle of his wedding. I really thought he was going to leave with me. Isn’t that how it works? You ride in to save the day and the handsome man leaves with you?” Iker asked Pepe earnestly.

“Well, yes, I suppose,” Pepe said. “In the storybooks….”

Iker sighed as he arose. “I don’t know what my squire has promised you, but you’ve come to the wrong person. I am not the man to fulfill whatever noble quest it is you have in mind. I can’t even save myself these days.”

“Please, Iker!” Pepe said desperately. “The evil king has taken over my land and imprisoned my parents!”

“Sorry to hear that. You can go. The door’s on the wall,” Iker said and took a long gulp of water from the bucket by his bedside. He needed a drink. He needed a lot of drinks. He needed to drink until he never thought the name David again.

He walked past Pepe out into the daylight. Was it morning or afternoon. He looked at the position of the sun in the sky and realized that he didn’t even know which was was east.

“Afternoon, Iker!” called a passing farmer and Iker gave the man a wave. Afternoon. The pub would be open.

Cesc was fretting in his sightline, but Iker ignored him as he headed for the pub. Maybe Cesc could get a job if he was so worried about money. Yes. He’d have a work with Cesc later about getting himself a job to earn them some money. It wasn’t like being Iker’s squire was all that much work any more.

Iker entered the pub and the barman, Eden, raised his hand. “No. No, no more free drinks, Iker.”

“Is that any way to greet your best customer?” Iker asked with his trademark grin.

“Customers pay. That’s how customers work. You haven’t paid me in months,” Eden glared as Iker sat at the bar, now trying on his puppy dog eyes. “No.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Iker saw that Prince Pepe had followed him. This could be useful. “Pepe! My friend! Come and buy me a drink and we’ll discuss your plight.”

Pepe looked suspiciously at Iker, but realized that this was the only way he was going to get the so-called hero to actually listen to him. And if he didn’t return to Valencia with Iker, his parents would surely die.

Eden looked expectantly at Pepe who produced a coin. Iker ordered two pints of ale and a turkey leg and joined Pepe at the table.

“I don’t want a drink,” Pepe said, knowing he was low on funds.

“Good, because I didn’t get you one. What do you need?” Iker asked. 

Pepe eyed Iker for a moment. He could tell that the man was handsome. He needed a bath and a trim, but underneath the unkempt look was a really hot man. He could now see how someone like David Beckham had been in love with the man.

Even as Pepe began to spin his tale, he knew the real reason that he’d come to Iker today…

 

*two months earlier*

King Gerard was annoyed. He’d been married to David for like, ever, and had David even once let him into his bed? No. He was king dammit.

But he was trying to respect David’s vow of chastity, and was determined to win David’s affections. He’d even taken over this whole kingdom of Valencia just to please his husband, but all David could even talk about was Iker.

“Iker would have done it like this. Iker would have gotten Villa and Silva, the kings of Valencia to tell him where the Jewel of Valencia was. Iker, fucking IKER!” King Gerard roared one afternoon to his loyal henchman, Diego.

“Why don’t you just have Iker killed?”

“No,” Gerard pouted, “because David would only be impressed if I did it myself!”

“So…do it yourself,” Diego said, rolling his eyes.

“I can’t kill anyone! That’s your job!” Gerard said petulantly. He stalked off to the throne room, determined once again to get the Kings of Valencia to tell him where the Jewel was located. Upon entering, he found David on his throne, giggling, sitting in the lap of the jester, Sergio.

“WHAT IS THIS?” Gerard roared.

With a roll of his eyes, David got up. “Sergio was just telling me some of his new jokes!” 

Gerard did not look amused as Sergio scampered out of his throne and stood several yards away. “David enjoys a good…joke.”

Gerard glowered and sat in his throne. “GET ME THE KINGS OF VALENCIA.”

Diego sent two of the guards, watching and David and Sergio flirted behind King Gerard’s back. Seriously. If the king didn’t realize what was going on there, he was a bigger fool than Diego suspected.

The kings were drug into the throne room, looking surprisingly regal for having been in the dungeon for a few months. They were followed by their son, Pepe.

“King Villa! Where is the jewel!”

Villa sighed. “Not telling you.”

“Still,” Silva muttered.

“I WILL KILL YOU!” Gerard roared.

No one flinched.

“Bored,” David said as he got up with a sigh. “Jester? Do you wan to go show me more of your…act?”

“Of course, your highness,” Sergio bowed low and the pair skipped away.

“I know where the jewel is,” Pepe spoke up for the first time. 

Both of his fathers gave him a glare.

“So give it to me!” King Gerard demanded with a stamp of his foot.

“I can get you something better!” Pepe said.

“Better?” King Gerard asked.

“Better?” Diego repeated.

“Better?” Villa and Silva turned toward him.

“Yes, better. I will bring you Iker!”

“Iker?” King Gerard asked and made a face. “I fucking hate that guy.”

“Which is why I will lure him here, thinking his David wants him back, and he’ll arrive to see you happily married and you can kill him!”

King Gerard nodded. “So I can humiliate him and then kill him! I like this plan! Diego! Why didn’t you think of a plan like this?”

Diego blinked. “Uh…no idea.”

“Excellent plan! Pepe! Go and fetch him. Oooh! Tell him David still loves him. That David has cried himself to sleep every night, calling out his name!” Gerard giggled happily.

“I will do that,” Pepe said. “And in return, you will free my parents?”

“Sure, sure,” King Gerard said. “Ooh, this is going to be so much fun!” He clapped his hands together.

“What about the Jewel of Valencia?” Diego asked.

“Who cares. Once I humiliate and murder Iker, David will be mine!”

 

*back in the pub*

“He really misses me?” Iker asked, his eyes shining bright with the two pints he’d consumed along with the tale of David’s misery that Pepe had spun. He’d turned away the offer of the Jewel of Valencia that Pepe’d been hiding on his person the whole time, and was indeed wanting to go only because of David.

“Terribly,” Pepe said, feeling a little guilty taking advantage of this man like this, but seriously, it wasn’t like Pepe was taking him away from a happy life here. Surely a quick death by the sword of King Gerard was better than the slow, lingering death by alcohol, right?

Cesc appeared. “We could…uh…take the Jewel anyway,” he mentioned to Pepe. “If Iker could save your parents?”

“Sure,” Pepe said. “But I’ll hold the Jewel for now?” he said, sliding the stone back into his tunic as he could see Cesc mentally spending the money already.

Cesc wasn’t greedy. A nice bowl of stew would do for starters…some bread? His stomach rumbled.

“We’ll leave in the morning!” Iker announced. “Cesc! See to my horse!”

Thankfully, Cesc hadn’t sold the horses yet. 

“Maybe you should…bathe,” Pepe suggested.

Iker sniffed himself. “That’s not a bad idea.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> King Gerard ponders why David doesn't love him...Iker, Pepe, and Cesc begin their journey.

King Gerard sat slumped at his throne. It had been two months since he’d sent Prince Pepe to fetch Iker so that Gerard could kill him or…something. Okay, FINE, it took a long time to go and get someone in this day and age, but he’d really been hoping that it would be over and done by now and the gorgeous David would be his…

Off to the edge of the throne room, Gerard saw a small figures slinking into the room, pushing a silver cart.

“CHEF!”

The figure started and cowered. “Yes…your highness?”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????”

“Bringing your tea…sir?”

“DID I ASK FOR TEA?”

“Yes….?”

“Oh,” Gerard frowned and realized that he had indeed ordered tea. “WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?”

“S-s-s-sorry,” the young man trembled. His name was Bojan, but he doubted the king knew that. He’d been sent for tea less than five minutes ago. It took that long to get to the kitchen and back, let alone boil water for tea!

“Did you get the jam tarts I like?” Gerard asked with a pout.

“Of course, my king,” Bojan bowed low. 

Gerard frowned a moment longer. “Are you new?”

“Uh, no sir.”

“Hmmm…what’s your name?”

“Bojan, sir.”

“I thought my chef was called Krkić.”

“That was my father, sir.”

“What happened to him?” Gerard asked with a frown. “I liked him.”

“You had him hanged for forgetting the cream for your tea, sir.”

“Oh,” Gerard said. “That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

“You’ve had the last three generations of my family hung, sir.”

“Oh,” Gerard said and promptly forgot about it. “My tea?”

“Yes sir,” Bojan said as he poured the tea, adding cream and putting it on a plate with two jam tarts.

David wandered into the throne room. “Gerard, have you seen Sergio?”

King Gerard took a tiny sip of his tea, pinky sticking out. “No. Why?”

David gave Gerard a look. Could he be any less of a man? “We were supposed to be…rehearsing.”

Sip. “For what?” Gerard set down his tea and picked up his tart. He took a dainty bite. “Aw, crud, I got crumbs on my embroidered neck scarf.”

“Your bib, sir?” Bojan offered a lacy bib.

“Tuck it in for me?” Gerard asked.

David rolled his eyes at his husband. Seriously.

“What did you need, again?”

“A man,” David muttered as he left the throne room.

Gerard ignored his comment as he enjoyed his tarts. He really should remember not to have this chef killed. 

* * * *

Early the next morning, the trio set off for Valencia. Iker was strangely sober and conscious first thing in the morning. This actually didn’t feel too bad. Maybe he’d have to try this not drinking himself unconscious every night. 

“Such a lovely day to begin a quest,” Cesc enthused as he followed the pair ahead of him. Iker would save Pepe’s kingdom, rescue David, and everything could go back to the way it had been before. Well, maybe not with Iker mooning over David all the time. Maybe they could leave David in Valencia. Yes. That was a better plan. Everything could go back to the way it was before David. Cesc was supposed to be training to be a night, not a fucking nursemaid to a heartbroken hero.

“It is a lovely day,” Pepe agreed as she edged his horse a bit away from Iker’s. The man said he was going to bathe. Did he not bathe?

Cesc saw this. It always too Iker a couple of days to air out. He’d be fine in a few days. Probably. Cesc sniffed himself. Eh, he wasn’t too ripe. 

The rode all day long in the direction of Valencia. How far was Valencia. Where was Valencia, anyway? Cesc wondered. He was pretty sure they were headed in the direction of his home kingdom…

“We need to find a place to stay for the night,” Pepe announced.

“There should be a nearby glade we can camp in,” Iker said.

“Camp?” Pepe asked, making a face.

“Well, since we have almost exactly no money, I’m not sure how else you think we’re going to spend the night,” Iker said. “Or does your highness require a feather bed?”

Pepe glared. “I spent six months in a jail in Valencia before traveling here. I’m hardly delicate!”

“Then camping it is,” Iker said as he turned his horse off the road toward a glen that it appeared others had been using for camping. 

Cesc jumped down from his horse and scurried around to make camp while Iker laid back and closed his eyes.

Pepe looked down at Iker. He was beginning to see why King Gerard wanted to kill this guy. Sure he was handsome…with that chiseled jaw and perfect brows…

“Did you need something?” Iker asked without opening his eyes.

“No,” Pepe said quickly as he headed toward a stream he could hear in the near distance. He’d get some water for their dinner. Yes. Water to….

But Pepe was thinking about Iker’s brown eyes.

Pepe stood at the bank of the stream and realized he didn’t have anything to put water in. Disgusted with himself, he knelt down and splashed the cold water onto his face. This was insanity. Iker was a has been peacock who’s love abandoned him, certainly with good reason. And he smelled bad!

Besides. Pepe was taking him to be killed by King Gerard. There was no point getting attached.

Besides. He smelled.

Iker emerged from the wood several yards down from where Pepe was crouched. Iker was muttering to himself and Pepe realized that Iker didn’t realize he was there.

“I bathed yesterday,” Iker said. “You still smell,” he said in a voice that was clearly mocking Cesc.

With a start, Pepe realized that Iker was going to disrobe. The shirt came off first, leaving Pepe gaping at the manly expanse of chest on display. God…that was…

Pepe saw Iker begin to unlace his riding pants and Pepe went crashing back into the forest. He wasn’t looking. He wasn’t, he wasn’t…

“Oh, hey, there you are,” Cesc said. “Boiled potatoes alright for dinner?”

“YES!” Pepe said too loudly. “POTATOES.”

“Oookay,” Cesc said slowly as he took three potatoes out of his bag.

It was a toss-up if Iker or Pepe was crazier…


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Iker at the Joust

After several days of traveling, it soon became clear that the trio was going to need to get some money.

“We could sell that gem,” Iker said, knowing that they were eating acorns while the Prince was sitting on a priceless rock.

“The Jewel of Valencia is not some gem!” Pepe said indignantly as he once again checked his pocket to be sure it was safe.

“We could enter this tournament,” Cesc mentioned as he eyed a poster that announced a joust was being held that very day.

“Ooh, a tournament!” Iker said as he read the flyer. The prize was 1000 shillings. That would see them to Valencia and put a downpayment on a cottage for him and David. He had just the cottage in mind. It over looked the sea. And it was far from the neighbors so people would quit complaining about the noise.

Pepe eyed Iker for a moment. It was true the hero no longer smelled and looked a lot less like something the cat had drug him as he did when Pepe had first seen him, but he doubted he was up to winning a joust.

Cesc and Iker were both looking at him, expectantly.

Pepe smiled broadly. “A tournament sounds great!” he said way too cheerfully.

Iker turned his horse up the road the poster indicated and Cesc waited for Pepe to fall in line behind him. 

Pepe let Iker get a few yards ahead and said in a low voice. “Is…uh…Iker up to a joust?” He’d seen Iker struggle to get on the horse that morning.

Cesc shrugged. “What have we got to lose?”

As they rode onto the tournament grounds, Iker made his way to the registration table. Cesc leapt from his horse and went to announce Iker’s arrival.

“Gentlemen, a hero’s hero, a man’s man, a ladies man…” Cesc winked at the man behind the table who shook his head at the bad joke, “You are honored here today by the presence of Iker of Casillas, the legendary knight.”

The man at the table peered at Iker, recognition on his face. “Lovely. 100 shillings to enter.”

“We don’t have 100,” Pepe blurted out.

But before they could argue with the man, a voice sounded behind Iker. “Well, who do we have here?”

Iker sighed and turned around. It was his old nemesis. “Hello Cristiano.”

“Well, if it isn’t Iker,” Cristiano said as he threw his cloak over his shoulder. “Long time no see, old friend.”

“Sir Iker is here to enter the joust,” the man at the table announced.

“If we had 100 shillings to enter,” Pepe admitted, earning a glare from Cesc. Did this guy ever know when to shut up?

“Aw,” Cristiano said mockingly. “Things so dire since David ran off on you that you can’t even put together 100 shillings for an entry fee?”

“We got more than an entry fee!” Cesc proclaimed and grabbed the pouch where Pepe was keeping the Jewel. To Pepe’s horror, Cesc said, “I offer forth the priceless Jewel of Valencia as collateral.”

“Absolutely not!” Pepe protested.

But the man took the gem and said, “I think it’ll do. Shall I put it over here with this chicken someone else offered as collateral?”

“Yeah, sure,” Cesc said and Iker beamed.

Pepe shoved Cesc who jogged off to help get Iker ready for the joust.

Cristiano bowed. “I’ll see you on the list.”

Iker joined Cesc around the back of the table and Cesc began to help Iker into his armor. “Does this one go on the front or the back?”

Pepe looked at the Jewel with a sinking heart. Iker was going to get his bloody ass kicked out there and then they’d have no money and no jewel!

He looked at the man at the table who was now eyeing the chicken.

Pepe raised his voice. “Iker is the greatest knight this land has ever known! He’s not going to take part in some joust like a lowly commoner!”

The man shrugged. “Alright. Iker can move forward to the final on merit.”

Pepe couldn’t believe that worked. “Well….good.” 

Cristiano rolled his eyes. “Whatever. “

Pepe went to join Iker and Cesc who were still struggling to get the armor on. “I just got us an extra day to get ready. We are not going to lose that Jewel!”

“Calm down, we got this,” Iker said with a smile. “There’s going to be some pretty damn legendary hero-ing going on around here, soon, you can count on that.”

Pepe sighed as he stalked away. “Your armor is on backwards, dumbass.”

Cesc glared and undid the armor. “Perhaps we should set up camp. Then we can…sort this out.”

Iker struggled to get the armor off and tripped over his sword, landing spread eagle on the ground.

Suddenly, Cesc wasn’t feeling all that confident, either.

* * * *

Pepe found them on the edge of the tournament grounds, camp set up. Iker was looking over the pieces of his armor, wondering if they'd left something at home.

“I will train you,” Pepe announced as he picked up the breastplate of Iker’s armor and offered it to him.

“You?” Iker said as derisively as he could considering Pepe was a fit man who obviously kept in shape. You know, if that character had been female, the writer clearly could have played on the misogynistic aspect of this interaction, but alas, she’d have to rely on irony.

“Yes me. Despite growing up with two fathers who strongly believed in making me a well rounded person who can cook and sew, I can, actually, fight,” Pepe said as he deftly began to arm Iker.

“So why aren’t you just taking out King Gerard on your own?” Cesc asked, kicking holes all up in the plot.

“Because they also taught me not to be a dumbass and try to go after a whole kingdom alone,” Pepe said. Pepe was secure in his personhood. He didn’t need to subscribe to ancient gender stereotypes.

For the rest of the afternoon, Pepe put Iker through his paces while Cesc kept an eye on the happenings in the tournament. He ran him through drills which tested both his reaction time and strength.

He also realized that it was going to take a miracle for Iker to be able to beat Cristiano.

“Cristiano has unhorsed the last two on his first pass,” Cesc reported when the pair paused for a late afternoon meal. “He’s amazing.”

“He’s won the golden horse for the last two tournament seasons,” Iker mentioned.

It was on the tip of Pepe’s tongue to ask how many Iker had won, but he kept his mouth full of bread and didn’t say anything.

By the time night fell, Pepe knew they were going to have to take some extreme measures to get the Jewel back. He left Cesc and Iker finishing a few drills on the horse. He used the last few coins he had to buy a bottle from the local liquor merchant.

He went to Cristiano’s tent where the man’s squire was rubbing down his shoulders after the long day at the joust.

Dayum, he had a find chest and abs, Pepe noticed as he entered. “Cristiano? Might I have a word?”

Cristiano eyed the handsome Prince and dismissed his squire. “I always have time for a good looking man. Did I hear Iker say you were a prince?”

Pepe batted his eyelashes. “Of a small kingdom. I thought you and I might share a refreshment?”

“Sure,” Cristiano said, but then he eyed the bottle as Pepe began to pour. “I don’t drink alcohol.”

“This isn’t alcohol,” Pepe said as he offered the generous cup to Cristiano. “It’s a secret Valencian formula for muscle recovery. It will help you get ready for tomorrow.”

Cristiano sniffed the drink. “What’s it called?”

“Absinthe.”

Cristiano took a drink and made a horrible face.

“It’s best if you drink it straight down,” Pepe encouraged. 

“Why are you helping me?” Cristiano asked, suspiciously.

“I always like to side with a winner,” Pepe winked.

* * * *

“And now, for the final of the joust! Sir Cristiano v Sir Iker!”

The crowd cheered as the two champions entered the list. Pepe, who’d not seen Iker all morning, wondered at the strange gait of the knight on his horse. But as he walked over to check on him, Cristiano puked spectacularly over the side of his horse.

Killing a whole bottle of Absinthe would do that to a person.

“I can’t move my arms,” Iker hissed as Pepe approached.

“You….what?” Pepe demanded. 

“I think we may have over prepared yesterday,” Iker grimace as he was barely able to get his arms a foot up in the air.

“How did you get on the horse?”

“I slept on the horse.”

“Oh for the love of…” Pepe groaned as he turned away. 

Cristiano was still puking and Cesc was struggling to get Iker to hold on to his lance. This wasn’t going to be pretty. 

The two knights managed to line up at the tilt barrier, and the flag was waved. The horses moved forward without much pace.

“If he can just hit him, he can probably unseat him,” Cesc said hopefully.

Pepe wondered if he could run and grab the Jewel and escape…

The knights ran into each other with their lances, and both toppled to the ground in a heap.

The crowd groaned in disappointment.

“Okay,” said the herald. “Uh…first one to get to his feet wins?”

The knights groaned and didn’t move.

“GET UP,” Pepe ordered as he ran toward the lifeless knight. “I swear on both of my fathers, if you don’t get to your feet RIGHT…NOW…”

Iker made a valiant effort to flip himself onto his front so he had a chance to get up. Cristiano was making an odd whimpering noise.

“GET. UP!”

“Come on, you can do it!” Cesc shouted encouragingly. Oh, for the love of all that was holy, Iker needed to get up. They were done if he didn’t get up.

Iker wanted to just die here. Every muscle in his body hurt. Even his pinky toes hurt. Everyone was shouting at him. With a Herculean effort, he got his arms under him and shoved himself up. He grabbed the tilt barrier and hoisted himself vertical.

“AND THE WINNER IS, SIR IKER!!!!”

Pepe rushed at him, enveloping him in a hug. He sagged into him, unable to hold himself upright.

“I told you I could do it,” Iker said to Pepe with a smile.

“I should have had more faith,” Pepe beamed back.

Cesc ran up with the jewel and a bag of coins in one hand and a chicken in the other.

“Are we eating the chicken? Because I’m not going to name him if we’re eating him.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Ball!!!

“David still hates me,” Gerard lamented to Diego. “Why does he hate me. I’m a king. People want kings. This is why I became king.”

“You became king so people would like you?” Diego asked, failing to keep the judgment out of his voice.

“Well, I became king because my dad was king and that’s what you do. I mean, my older brother could have been king but he wanted to go on crusades,” Gerard made a face. “I mean, yeah Jesus and all, but do I need to kill people over him, no.”

“Sire,” Diego said. “I’ve been your personal body guard since we were ten.”

“You have,” Gerard said, smiling affectionately at Diego.

“And I mean this in the kindest way, but…” Diego paused. “You’re a wuss.”

“How is that kind?” Gerard said. 

“Well, I could have said you’re a total pussy,” Diego replied. “So…”

“Yeah, that would have been worse,” Gerard agreed. “So. How do I get David to love me?”

Diego would have rather single-handedly tried to take over the Holy Land than have to answer this question. 

Thankfully, Bojan trundled in at that moment with an afternoon snack. “Your jam tarts, sire.”

“Excellent,” Gerard clapped his hands together. “Bojan?”

“Sire?”

“What can I do to win the love of my bride?”

“Oh, uh…” Bojan said, looking like a deer in the head lights.

Diego hoped Bojan didn’t say something stupid. The chef really did make some excellent jam tarts. 

“Well,” Bojan said. “Do you know what we’ve not had around here recently?”

“What?” Gerard asked, his face full of tart. These were so GOOD.

“A ball, sire.”

“A ball?” Gerard asked, spitting out bits of pastry as he spoke. Diego rolled his eyes behind Gerard’s back. Right. Like a ball was a good idea.

“Yes, Sire. David loves to dance, does he not?”

“A ball!” Gerard clapped his hands together with glee. “A ball, Diego! Isn’t that fabulous? I’m going to need a new crown. OOOOH!”

Gerard left his tarts and went to the throne room, a wary Diego in his wake.

“Everyone!” Gerard announced to the random people who always seemed to be hanging out in the throne room for no reason. “Oh, wait! Where are the kings of Valencia?”

“In the dungeon, Sire.”

“Ah, go get them. They will totally want to hear about my plan!”

Diego had the kings of Valencia sent for. A ball? Really? With the people of Valencia starving because King Gerard had all of their crops burned? That literally no one in the whole kingdom liked Gerard at all?

In truth, Diego felt bad for Gerard. He didn’t mean to be such a completely unloveable prick. It just came naturally to him.

“There you are! David! David! Why is everyone around here called David?” King Gerard pondered. “I’ll call you Villa and Silva. Welcome!”

The kings looked at him suspiciously. “Yes?”

“We’re going to have a BALL!”

“We are?” King Villa asked with as much bitchface as he could muster. But as he glanced over at King Silva, he saw a look of hopefulness in his big brown, doe-eyes.

“A ball?”

“A BALL!” King Gerard said as he leapt to his feet, crossing to Silva. “You can dress up and dance and the chef will make a feast! OOOOH!!!!”

“OOOOH!” Silva said as Gerard took him into his arms and danced him about the throne room.

“How fun,” Villa said with as much sarcasm as he could muster. Which was a lot.

He was ignored.

“We’ll do it Saturday! Saturday work for everyone?” Gerard asked the room at large.

“Yes, your highness.”

“Of course your highness!”

“Oh good. I’m going to go tell David. My David. Not you Davids. You Davids already know.”

“We do indeed,” Villa said, but even as he did, he watched Silva beam. You’d think that after all these years of shipping that, he’d be over it by now…but alas.

“What did you need your David for?” asked the man in question as he joined them in the throne room. “Did you finally get the Jewel off of those two little Hobbits?”

Villa scowled.

“We’re having a BALL!” Gerard announced. “So get yourself a pretty new outfit!”

David looked mildly interested. “I could do a ball.” He eyed Sergio across the room. “You know what goes great with a ball?”

“What?”

“A performance by the court jester. Oh Jester!”

“Yes, my lord?”

“We need to rehearse.”

Sergio was drained. “Again?”

“Yes, again!” David said a bit petulantly. “Am I not your…king?”

“You’re not the king, I’m the king,” Gerard said with a frown.

“Well, I’m not the queen!” David protested.

There was a brave attempt by all in attendance to stifle a giggle, but it failed.

“I AM NOT A QUEEN!” David yelled and stalked out, followed quickly by Sergio.

“A diva, maybe,” Gerard winked at the assembled group and got a laugh. He beamed. He was sure to be beloved, any time now.

* * * *

Down in the kitchen Bojan was furiously trying to put together a feast for 100. 

“Do you need help?”

A maid peered in to find Bojan crying.

“Leo! Yes!” Bojan said as he scrubbed at the tears. “Can you finish slicing these onions?”

“Sure,” Leo said as he took over, offering Bojan a hankie. “Does King Richard actually expect you to serve a feast at a ball for this evening?”

“Yes,” Bojan sighed. “But I can do it. I think….”

“These bloody royals!” Leo started to rant. “They think they can just wave their hand and get anything they want! They never think about the little people who have to actually make their stupid requests a reality!”

“Leo,” Bojan admonished as he slid a tray of tarts into the oven and checked the fire. “We are privileged to work for the king.”

“The king is a douche bag.”

“A what?”

Leo rolled his eyes. “You’re too kind for your own good.”

Bojan blushed a little and shrugged. “I just want to cook. Working for the king means I have a flea-ridden mattress to lie on and actual food to cook every day. Who am I to complain?”

“The poor always work hard and don’t complain. That’s what wrong with this feudalistic society we live in.”

“You use a lot of big words,” Bojan said, a little in awe of the maid. It was true he had a crush on Leo, but why would such a smart maid have anything to do with a lowly chef like him?

“There’s more of us, anyway. If we rose up and killed the king, we could be free!”

“God put the king on the throne!” Bojan protested. “we can’t go against God!”

Leo sighed. “Oh Bo. You’re so naive.”

“Maybe, but I also need to make 100 salads with three heads of lettuce.”

“Oh,” Leo said as he looked at the three sad heads. “Dandelions?”

“Do what?”

“Dandelions. When we were little, my mum made us salads out of dandelions. She told us they were special lettuces.”

“Do you think King Gerard would buy that?”

“Have you met King Gerard? I was probably brighter when I was five.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cesc visits his home.

“My butt has gone flat,” Pepe sighed as he rose up in his stir-ups and flexed his glutes.

“We’ve got to get to Valencia to save David!” Iker said as he tried not to be looking at Pepe’s tight ass. “We ride on.”

Cesc didn’t comment, because his ass was flat as well, but he also felt Iker’s sense of urgency. He was the squire after all. It was his job to shut up and do what he was told. But the lure of a good night’s sleep was strong. “My parents are but an hour from here. We could stop for the night? Rest the horses? Sleep in a real bed?”

Iker thought a real bed for about half a second and then agreed. “But just for one night. Then we have to move on.”

Cesc beamed and even Pepe broke a smile as they headed in the direction that Cesc indicated.

“My parents will be so excited for us to drop by,” Cesc chattered as they passed his childhood haunts. There was the tree house where he had his first kiss! Who had he kissed? 

As they approached the large estate, Iker began to realize he didn’t know much about where his squire was from. Cesc had been sent to him as a young teen to train as a knight, as, after all, that was the point of a squire, but somehow he’d turned into more of a servant. Iker started to feel a little guilty about that.

But as they got closer, they noticed a statue out front of the estate.

Pepe squinted at it. “Is that….”

The color drained from Cesc’s face as he, too, realized who the statue was of.

Iker burst out laughing. “Your parents have a statue of you out in front of the house?”

“They’re…proud…” Cesc tried as he read the inscription. “For our beloved Cescky. An honorable knight.”

“Your parent think you’re a knight?” Iker asked.

“Uh,” Cesc said as he may have insinuated to his parents that he’d become a knight. “Possibly.”

Pepe grinned. “Everyone exaggerates to their parents.”

The gates to the estate swung open as they approached.

“And I may have told my mother you’re my squire,” Cesc said quickly as his mother came running out of the gates.

“MY CESCKY!”

Pepe burst out laughing at the look on Iker’s face as Cesc dismounted his horse and embraced the woman.

“His what?” Iker demanded, but Pepe shushed him as he too dismounted to greet Cesc’s family. A rather handsome older man who had to be Cesc’s dad appeared as well and joined in the hugging.

Pepe stepped forward, waiting a step or so back, respectful of the family.

Cesc spied him and pried himself away from his mother.    
“Pepe! Mum, Dad, this is Prince Pepe of Valencia. Pepe, this is my mum, Lola, and my dad, Thierry.”

Pepe looked at the blond, pale Lola, the dark skinned Theirry, and wondered where the Spanish looking kid had come from.

“Prince?” Lola looked duly impressed as she happily embraced the man as well. 

Cesc was beaming as his father clapped him on the shoulder. “A prince! You have done well for yourself, son!”

Like a deer in the headlights, Cesc realized what his father thought and as he caught Pepe’s eye, he begged for…

“Well, your son is incredibly charming,” Pepe winked, not missing a beat.

Iker watched the exchange with a roll of his eyes. Cesc’s parents thought he was a knight and engaged to a prince? Delusional much?

He slid off his horse to greet the parents, knowing he needed to be polite. But when he stepped forward, Lola gave him a look. 

“Squire! See to the horses!”

Iker gaped as Pepe stifled a laugh and handed over the reigns to his horse.

“Have at it, squire.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Iker muttered as Cesc entered the estate on the arms of his parents.

“Let him have his fun. It’s one night.”

* * * *

“Alright,” Bojan said as he gazed around the kitchen. The room was littered with salad plates, platters of meat, and 100 jam tarts. “I think we’re ready.”

“The king really should get you some help,” Bojan said as he sat down in exhaustion. 

“I’m afraid if I ask, he’ll have me beheaded.”

Leo rolled his eyes, but left it alone. “At least there’s no one to share the left overs with,” he said as he snagged a piece of beef off the platter.

“Hey!” Bojan protested. “That’s not ours yet!”

“We always get the leftovers,” Leo grumbled. “Left over everything. You’re sleeping on a left over mattress, wearing left over clothes eating left over food.”

“You complain a lot,” Bojan said as he’d been listening to Leo bitch the whole time they’d been preparing the feast. “Just enjoy.”

“Enjoy what? That our teeth will start rotting out soon? That we’ll die before we’re 30? That we have no rights whatsoever?”

“Come here,” Bojan said as he took Leo’s hand, a little thrill going through him as he touched the other man. 

Leo let himself be led to the corner of the room where there was a straw mattress on the floor. “I have this bed all to myself.”

“Congratulations?”

“No!” Bo protested. “I have it to myself. In this dry kitchen with a fireplace that I don’t even have to chop the wood for. This is paradise, Leo. PARADISE.”

Leo sighed. He could see how for a peasant, it really was. “Well, it’s not all that.”

Bojan’s face fell, until Leo added. “I mean, you have to sleep there alone.”

Bojan’s frown bloomed into an embarrassed flush as he scampered away to get the tea ready.

* * * *

“So, Pepe, tell us about Valencia,” Lola said as she set yet another platter of food on the table in front of Cesc who already had a face full of mutton.

“It’s lovely,” Pepe said wistfully. “But it’s been taking over by the cruel King Gerard.”

“Gerard,” Thierry made a face. “I know him. I was at school in Barcelona with his older brother.”

“Was he the one you called “Greaseball Gerard?” Lola asked as she hand fed Cesc some almonds. 

“Indeed,” Thierry said. “Isn’t he married to David Beckham?”

“He is,” Pepe said. “Ik….Cesc has agreed to come to Valencia with me to help remove him from the throne.”

“And then you’ll get married?” Lola said hopefully. “Oh, you will send for us, won’t you?”

“Of course!” Cesc said brightly through his stuffed mouth. 

“We need to celebrate. Oh, Thierry, can we have a ball tonight?”

“Of course,” Thierry said. “The neighbors will be upset if they find out Cesc was home and engaged and we didn’t have them over.”

“A ball…?” Pepe asked, alarmed. 

“You don’t need to go to the trouble,” Cesc said as he tried to swallow.

Lola’s face fell and Thierry admonished him. “Your mother wants a ball, we shall have a ball!”

“Great,” Cesc said hollowly. 

“I’ll have your squire sent for,” Lola said. “See if any of your good suits still fit, and if they don’t we’ll have the tailor sent for.”

Won’t Iker be excited.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two Balls. Several Disasters.

Iker sat, adjusting the hem of Cesc’s dress pants and could not believe he’d come to this. Sure, he’s drank himself into near poverty, but he’d never imagined he’d sink as low as squire work again. Honestly. He was fucking Iker. Like, he supposedly slayed dragons.

Yeah, so there was that sort of…rumor about Iker having slayed a dragon that wasn’t exactly true. It was…a half dead alligator…that fell off the bridge when Iker was running from it…

He sighed. Not exactly fire breathing dragon.

“Your knight got you sewing?” asked another squire who was sharing the barn where Iker had been sent to sleep. 

Iker looked up at the man. “He needs these for the ball.”

“I’d like to kick my knight in the balls,” the man said. “I’m Marcelo.”

“Hi,” Iker said as he shook the man’s hand, slightly alarmed. “Is he so…bad?”

“God, they all are,” Marcelo said. “Jackass wearing a can.”

“Surely they’re not all…?”

“Every one,” Marcelo said. “Do you know Cristiano’s squire makes him scrub his boots every single day? That is insanity.”

Iker looked at his well polished boots and tucked them underneath him. “Insanity.”

“All nights are generally a bunch of dill-weeds,” Marcelo said. “I mean, you think you’re so great just because you did my job for years and got out of it? Really?”

Iker felt another stab of guilt that Cesc had been his squire for ages and by now Iker should have put him forward for knighthood and hadn’t. He really was a douchecanoe. Poor Cesc.

* * * *

“Are we ready for the ball?” Gerard asked, clapping his hands together.

“Do I have to go?” Diego grumbled as he was tucked into a gold trimmed suit.

“You look a-ma-zing!”

Diego didn’t much look like he agreed, but he didn’t comment. He supposed he really did need to come to this ball as it was highly likely that someone was going to try to kill Gerard at it. All those starving Valenciens who were being forced to attend the ball. At least Bojan was apparently serving something spectacular. Diego could use a good meal. 

“Alright. Does David like his new suit I had sent over?” he asked hopefully.

Diego did not want to answer. When David had been presented with the suit, he’d said something to the effect of “I’d rather die than be seen in that.”

“I bet he looks amazing. He always looks amazing,” Gerard said with a dopey smile.

Please let David not be horrible to Gerard tonight, Diego thought loyally. Sure, his boss was an idiot, but he was a well meaning one. 

Okay, except when he ordered for people to be killed, but he never really meant for the to be killed. Really…

“Alright. I think we’re ready,” Gerard said as he gave final twirl in front of the mirror. “We look amazing, Diego. Amazing.”

Diego nodded and checked he had his sword at the read. Yes, Gerard was an idiot, but he was his idiot.

****

Lola spent all day fussing over Cesc, lamenting the fact that he could only stay for a day. "You never visit," she sighed more than once.

Cesc didn't say it was because he had to look after Iker and that his boss needed a lot of looking after, especially since David left him. "Lots of dragons to slay, mum."

"Well, once you and Pepe get married and adopt loads of babies, you had better be inviting your mother to come and stay," Lola adjusted his collar on the suit Iker had let the hem down on and the legs were uneven. Lola noticed but she didn't want to say how crappy of a squire he had. Seriously, it was impossible to get good help these days.

"Uhm, sure, Mum," Cesc said as he wondered how the hell he was going to get out of that lie. He supposed after they got Pepe back to Valencia, he could write and tell them Pepe had left him for some Princess. Or was eaten by a fire breathing dragon. He wouldn't want his mother to hate Pepe.

"To the ball!" His dad, Thierry appeared, looking hella fine in his best suit. Lola gave him a kiss. 

Gawd, Cesc thought, parents were so embarrassing.

The ball was crowded with every one from the town in attendance. They found Pepe looking amazing in a suit he'd borrowed from Cesc's dad.

Iker was sulking in a corner, having not changed out of his clothes he'd been traveling in, well aware that he smelled again. He was trying not to notice how the suit Pepe had borrowed was too tight on his broad shoulders. He was trying not look at Cesc. He felt guilty every time he looked at Cesc and how much everyone seemed to love him and how shitty he'd been treating Cesc lately. He was such an asshole.

He saw a lady walk past him, giving him an interesting look and then caught a whiff of him and made a face, walking away too quickly.

Iker slumped further into the wall. He was such an asshole. No wonder David left him. 

And now Pepe had taken Cesc's arm and leaned into him, laughing at something Lola was saying. Iker felt a flare of something deep inside and slammed out of the hall so dramatically that most of the people around him paused to watch him go.

"Your squire really kinda sucks," Lola said.

"He's just," Cesc said as he started to follow, but Pepe held him.

"Let me talk to him," Pepe said as he laid a kiss on Cesc's cheek and excused himself to follow Iker.

*****

The Valencian ball was a bit of a subdued affair. The Valencian musicians had all been slaughtered when King Gerard had told Diego to find some replacements. He'd turned up with the execution squad who liked to sing a Capella in their spare time. They really weren't bad.

Dinner had been ravenously eaten by the half starved people, and now there was half-hearted dancing.

"This ball sucks," Gerard lamented as he sat in his throne, an equally bored David sat next to him.

"How is this getting me the Jewel of Valencia, again?" David asked. 

Gerard ignored him. "We need something funny! Sergio!" He called over the jester who warily approached. "You and David were locked up in his room all afternoon, what did you come up with that was funny?"

"Uh," Sergio said, looking like a deer in the headlights. A bored looking David offered him no assistance. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Why?"

"Don't ask me, ask the chicken!"

Gerard looked blankly at him. "I don't get it."

Sergio started to laugh too loudly, but Gerard got out of his throne and clapped. "Everyone! I think we need a good laugh. Who has a joke?"

Villa and Silva adopted the same terrified look as Sergio.

"Uh."

"Uh..."

"Oh, come on!" Gerard cajoled.

"I got a good one!" Called a voice from the back of the hall. "Did you hear the one about the king who was too stupid to know that his husband was screwing the jester?"

A dead silence fell across the hall as Gerard slowly rose from his throne. "What the..." But as he looked from David to Sergio, a cruel realization dawned on him. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Diego had been standing near the man, and grabbed him by the arm and dragged him forward.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Gerard roared.

"Eden of Hazard," the man said defiantly.

He won't be so defiant when I have his head separated from his body. "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

Gerard stormed off as Diego handed Eden over to the execution squad. The party was most assuredly over.

*****

Pepe found Iker sitting on a bench outside the hall, looking dejected.

"It's really nice of you to help out Cesc like this," Pepe began carefully. 

"I'm a jackass," Iker lamented. 

"Okay," Pepe said, not wanting to agree, but not exactly disagreeing. Iker really could be a jackass. A lot.

"Do you know he's been my squire for over five years? I should have put him forward for knighthood. I should be training him and what do I do? Make him look after me while I mope over my ex dumping me."

"I think Cesc is proud to serve you," Pepe said and knew it was true. "But yeah, he'd do just as well as your partner knight rather than your squire."

"We could get some new squires to push around," Iker said with half a smile.

"Someone who can actually sew," Pepe mentioned as he too noticed Cesc's ill fitting suit.

Iker chuckled then and for a moment, Pepe wanted to come clean and admit that King Gerard held his parents and he was delivering Iker to trade for their freedom. 

But at that moment, the door to the hall burst open and Cesc appeared.

"Pepe! we're eating!"

"Coming," Pepe said as he rose. He reached a hand to Iker. "Coming?"

"Yes."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes wander into the Thieves Forests, and King Gerard is not handling David's betrayal well.

After a long, long goodbye from Cesc’s parents (his mother had nearly collapsed in grief at his departure), the trio was back on the road the following morning, with baskets full of treats.

“We could all just stay here with my parents and forget Valencia?” Cesc joked even as he snacked on a spare breakfast roll his mother had tucked in a napkin for him.

Pepe and Iker didn’t comment as they both had their own worries on their minds. Pepe was wracked with guilt over taking Iker to his death. Iker was brooding over the fact that David had ruined his life more than once and here he was going after him again.

Everyone was so wrapped up in their own thoughts, they didn’t notice they missed the turn off to Valencia and headed straight into the Thieves Forest.

* * * *

“My husband is cheating on me, Diego,” Gerard said, slumped in his throne, crown askew.

“Mmm,” Diego said. He’d known this. Everyone had known this. Even the readers had known this even though it had only be alluded to in previous chapters. His grandmother knew and she was dead.

“He didn’t want to sleep with me and yet he’s sleeping with that jester. Honestly. What would anyone see in Sergio Ramos that would make them want to have sex with him?”

Diego began to cough loudly, unable to contain himself.

“Tea?” offered Bojan who was cowering at the edge of the throne room.

Diego took a sip and righted himself. 

“WHY?”

“No idea, sire.”

Gerard sighed. “I think we need an execution. What happened to that Eden fellow?”

“Uh…I think he’s already been executed,” Diego said even though he knew that Eden had escaped the night before. Eden was a dumbass for opening his mouth, but he was a decent fellow and Diego had let him out.

“Dammit,” Gerard sighed. “I want someone to kill.”

Bojan shrank back into the shadows. No one to see here. No one at all. He checked the jam tarts and slid several on to a plate, ready to offer to the king. He made amazing jam tarts. Who would kill the jam tart guy???

Gerard stormed out of the throne room in the opposite direction, and Bojan withered to the floor with relief.

Diego picked up a tart. “You better keep these coming or next time I might make a suggestion for someone to execute.”

* * * *

Pepe looked around. The forest had deepened and the late afternoon shadows looked ominous. “Where are we?”

“The road to Valencia,” Iker said irritably. Cesc had been yammering all afternoon, fueled by all the sweets his mother had given him and Iker had a headache. He wanted a drink and five freaking minutes of peace and quiet, but no, Pepe has to get all ‘we’re-on-the-wrong-road’ like Iker didn’t freaking…know…

“Are you sure?” Pepe pressed.

Iker pulled his horse to a stop as he spotted a skull and crossbones on a tree. “This isn’t the road to Valencia.”

Pepe bit back an I-told-you-so as Iker looked around. 

“Did we miss the turn off?”

Cesc licked chocolate off his fingers. “You mean the one we passed this morning?”

Pepe and Iker turned on Cesc who went pale. 

“I…thought….”

“We’re in the middle of the freaking Thieves Forest and it’s nearly night fall!” Iker roared at Cesc. “Maybe next time MENTION that we missed a turn off!”

“Sorry…” Cesc said with big eyes. “Doughnut?”

Iker snatched the pastry out of Cesc’s hand and turned his horse back the way they’d come. 

Who was he kidding, he thought as he ate the treat, they were never getting out of this forest by dark. 

As he took the last bite, he was hit from behind and went crashing off of his horse, nearly choking on doughnut as he fell in a heap.

Cesc let out a scream as he too was thrown from his horse by an unseen foe and toppled to the floor, landing right on his bag of treats.

The next thing the trio knew they were being dragged to their feet and their bags taken from them.

“Well, who do we have here?”

Iker saw the rough band of outlaws who had captured them and his heart sank. They were done for.

“I am Pepe, Prince of Valencia, and I demand that you let us go!”

There was a raucous laughter as the outlaws shared their feelings on that request.

“Frank, he thinks we should let him go!” called out the leader.

“Good one, JT,” the man who must be Frank chuckled. 

Iker eyed up the two outlaws and realized he had no chance of overcoming them without his sword and whole lot of luck. Or the help of Cesc who was giving a panicked look to his snacks bag that the outlaw behind Pepe was rooting through. His Danishes!

“What are you outlaws doing bothering innocent travelers?” Iker demanded.

“God dammit, we’re not outlaws!” Frank yelled at him. “We’re PIRATES.”

“Pirates? But what are you doing in the middle of the forest? Pepe demanded.

“We’re not that far from the sea,” JT said. “It’s just over yonder.”

“But you don’t have a boat!” Pepe pressed.

“It ran aground, alright?” JT grumbled. “We’d lost our way and the next thing we knew the boat was up on a bluff and we can’t get it down.”

Cesc bit his lip so he didn’t laugh, but got an elbow in the back anyway.

“Are these Danishes?” asked one of the outlaws….er…pirates.

“THOSE ARE MINE!” Cesc whined. 

“Not any more, sonny,” said Frank as he grabbed one and stuffed his face with it.

“Fat Frank, pass those over!”

“Fuck off, Ash!” Frank shot back.

Cesc was nearly in tears as all of his treats were devoured. Pepe was more concerned about the Jewel of Valencia which he had hidden in a secret place.

“What’s this?” asked the one called Ash who’d dug into Pepe’s saddle bag and come up with the jewel.

Iker groaned. “Why didn’t you HIDE THAT?”

“I did!” Pepe shot back. “It was under my hemorrhoid cream!”

“There’s hemorrhoid cream?” JT asked, interested.

Ash handed it over and Pepe winced. He needed that, dammit.

“Come,” JT said as he tucked the cream in his pocket. “Let’s take these prisoners and tie them up. Perhaps they can be useful to us yet.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A disjointed band of pirates

Iker and his band of merry travelers were escorted to a clearing which was, indeed, seaside. The pirates’ ship was beached, sitting forlornly on it’s side and they had built camp around it.

They were tied to a palm tree, backs to each other, and the pirates at all of their food in front of them, leaving Cesc in tears.

“Well, how are we getting out of this one?” Pepe hisses as he wriggled against his bonds which were surprisingly tight.

“Soon I’ll waste away and be able to slide my wrists out of these ropes,” Cesc said, dejectedly. He’d been saving those chocolate doughnuts for last!

“You’re not going to starve,” Iker snapped. “You ate enough in the last 24 hours to sustain you for a year.”

Cesc glared in his direction which was rather ineffective as his back was to Iker.

Pepe gave up his struggles as he only appeared to be making the bonds tighter. He was facing the pirates and began to notice that they were squabbling. 

“I don’t care what Jose used to do, I asked you to get firewood,” JT was telling an underling who was full of attitude and had a really nice booty.

“I WISH JOSE WAS STILL HERE!” shouted the man who stomped off.

JT was beyond frustrated, but Frank arrived and put his arm on JT’s shoulders. “Ignore Didier.”

“I’m trying here,” JT said angrily. “Doesn’t he know I’m trying? It’s not my fault Jose ran off to Milan.”

“I think I heard he was in Madrid, now,” Frank said. “Or did someone say Manchester?”

“Whatever. He’s gone and we’re all we have left. And if I have to hear ONE MORE pirate tell me that Jose’s way was better I’m going to leave this place.”

“You can’t leave. The Chelsea is your home,” Frank consoled as they gazed at their beached ship.

“Some home,” JT sighed as he sagged into Frank. “We used to be able to finish first place in any race, and now we’d be lucky to be in 13th in a race of 12.”

“We can do this,” Frank assured him. “We just need…something to rally the sailors.”

“A boat on water would help,” Pepe mentioned, forgetting he was not actually a part of this conversation.

“How are we supposed to do that?” Frank shot back, but JT hushed him.

“What do you suggest, Prince?”

“You’ve got our horses now, I bet a concerted effort from your crew at high tide and you might just be able to get her afloat,” Pepe said. “I mean, if you had a good plan to organize.”

“Do you know who’s really good at plans?” Cesc spoke up.

Don’t do it, Iker thought.

“Who?”

“Iker.”

Iker stifled a groan. He had NO idea how to get a beached ship afloat. What the hell, Cesc?

“How about this,” Pepe negotiated despite the fact that Iker was painfully pinching his arm to get him to stop. “We help you get your ship on water, you take us to Valencia and give us back the jewel?”

JT pondered and glanced at Frank who seemed keen. “How about you help us get our boat on the water and we’ll consider not killing you?”

Pepe rolled his eyes. “If you were going to kill us, you’d have done it already.”

JT frowned. Dammit, he was only right. They’d been hoping to use them as ransom to get money to maybe buy a new boat. However, they’d realized that they were miles from Valencia and the prospect of trying to get this crew all the way to Valencia with these hostages in tow was beyond unlikely. He could barely get some of them to track back and defend a free kick…

“How about we agree to take you to Valencia but we keep the Jewel?” JT tried. 

“DONE,” Cesc said even as Pepe was opening his mouth to protest. Iker slumped against the tree. Pepe glared over his shoulder at Cesc. Cesc started wriggling. “Can you let us up, now?”

“Can’t you just tell us how to do it from there?” Frank asked.

“Uh, Iker can’t even seen the boat from there,” Cesc pointed out. “How is he supposed to make a plan?”

JT and Frank grudgingly agreed to untie their captives. They sent Cesc and Pepe with Frank to sit with the crew who were finishing off Cesc’s food and Iker joined JT to check out the boat.

Iker considered making an excuse for why he needed Cesc’s help with this because dammed if he knew how to get a boat into water, but decided against it. Somehow Cesc would make Cesc have to do even more work for the pirates before this was all over.

Iker stood, gazing at the hull of the boat which was good and beached on the shore. He briefly considered beating JT over the head and making a run for it. Screw Cesc and Pepe. He could just…go…

But even as he tried to justify his betrayal of his friends, he knew he couldn’t do it. He owed Cesc his life and he’d given his word to help Pepe.

And he kinda needed them if he was going to get David back.

“So…?” JT prompted after several silent minutes.

“I’m planning,” Iker lied as he took a few steps around the side of the boat.

“I see,” JT said, a trace of doubt creeping into his voice, but he waited for Iker to speak again. He pulled the Jewel of Valencia out of his pouch, careful not to lose the tube of hemorrhoid cream.

Iker glanced at the Jewel. “Impressive.”

“It is,” JT said as he turned it over in his hands. “I’m surprised you were just carrying it around like this.”

“Don’t look at me, it’s Prince Pepe’s.” Iker looked down at the sand, wondering if maybe they could dig a trench to ease the boat along toward the water.

“Why does he have it out in the Thieves Forest like this?”

“Uh,” Iker said. “He’s using it to buy a crew to help free his country from the grips of King Gerard.”

“King Gerard?” JT made a face. “I hate that guy. He’s such a…fool.”

“Sure,” Iker said a tad irate. He was trying to pretend to come up with a plan here!

“We’d totally be up for taking him out at some point, if you needed help.”

“I’ll let Pepe know,” Iker said.

JT nodded. “So…Have you got a plan?”

“Give me a minute,” Iker snapped.

JT frowned, but went back to admiring the Jewel. 

Iker glanced at JT and realized that he could totally get JT’s sword and probably the Jewel off of him and use him as ransom to get Pepe and Cesc away from the other pirates and they could get the hell out of here.

So he did.

“OUCH,” JT complained as Iker wrenched his arm around his back. “Be nice!”

“Move,” Iker said, shoving the pirate forward with the butt of his sword as he shoved the Jewel in his pouch. It was no wonder the pirates were in a disarray, the pirate wasn’t giving his men much to follow.

And then the real plan came to his mind.

He rounded the boat and found all the other pirates tied up with Cesc happily eating a chocolate doughnut.

“Hey! We were just coming to rescue you!” Cesc said as he quickly swallowed the last of the doughnut.

Iker declined to comment.

“Pirates!” Iker announced. “Your leader has come up with a masterful plan to get your boat back in the water and you on your way.”

“JT?” Ash asked with a look of disbelief.

“Yes!” Iker said and explained the plan to dig a trench and drag the boat to the water.

“That could work!” Frank said. “Why didn’t you tell us about this before?”

“Well,” JT demurred. “I wasn’t sure you all trusted me to make a plan.”

Didier said, “We’re sorry.” The rest of the pirates murmured in agreement. “We should have been listening to you all along. You were the one who told Jose not to get to close to the shore here.”

“I did try to warn him,” JT said.

“You did,” Frank said. “We should have listened.”

“Okay, lets get digging!” Iker said and handed JT back his sword. This way if the plan failed, no one could blame Iker because he’d said it was JT’s plan and JT would never admit now that it wasn’t. So if by some miracle it worked, they’d have a ride to Valencia. If not, they’d be out of here before dawn.

“Wait, we’re untying them?” Pepe asked, alarmed. 

“They’re going to take us to Valencia as promised,” Iker said as he palmed the Jewel and passed it over.

Pepe grinned as he clutched the Jewel. “TO VALENCIA!”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are afoot

Gerard got word from his network of spies that Iker and Pepe had landed on the shores of Valencia. Well, when he said network of spies, what he really meant was the one eyed hag who sat down by the docks and sent him word of anything interesting in exchange for a free place to stay and a tankard of beer every day. But that totally counted. As soon as he got another spy it would count as a network.

“They should be here by dusk tomorrow,” Gerard confided in Diego who seemed to be eating a lot of jam tarts these days. If Gerard was honest, his guard and friend was putting on a bit of a paunch.

“You want me to go out and kill him?” Diego asked. “This Iker fellow?”

“No no no!” Gerard protested. “I have to kill him! And David needs to see me do it so he’ll think I’m amazing and manly.”

Diego thought there wasn’t enough people in the world for Gerard to kill that would make him look manly, but he kept the thought to himself as he finished off the tart.

“We shall arrange a welcoming party for Iker,” Gerard pondered. “I’ll meet him here as the eagle caws the final time before the setting of the sun.”

“So…about nine o’clock?” Diego translated.

“Yes, about nine o’clock,” Gerard sighed. “I’ll meet him here and challenge him to battle. Then, David will see me at my manliest.”

“Very well,” Diego agreed, knowing he’d likely have to step in and kill Iker before he killed Gerard, but he’d been there before.

“Oooh, and talk to Bojan, we should get some light refreshments in.”

* * * *

David wandered down to the kitchens that afternoon, bored. Ever since Sergio had stopped sleeping with him because he’d felt all guilty about sneaking around behind the king’s back and David had been forced to send him to the dungeon, David had been getting bored. 

He found the chef, Bojan working on some canapés as the maid, Leo, was washing some of David’s clothes in the sink.

“Your highness,” Bojan bowed low, trying not to spill the bowl of cream he’d been whipping.

“What are you doing?” David asked as he idly selected a jam tart from a tray next to the stove. Ooh, strawberry.

“Uh…making some light refreshments for the King’s reception later,” Bojan said as he straightened.

“What reception?” David asked with a mouthful of tart.

Leo shot Bojan a look and Bojan returned it, confused. “Uh…the one he’s have as the gleam off the shores falls to the dark of the deep?”

“So, nine o’clock?” David asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Bojan said. He kept glancing at Leo who was making gestures at him, and Bojan finally realized that Leo was trying to get him to shut up. “I mean, I think it’s a reception. Maybe it’s not a reception. Maybe the king just knows he’s going to be hungry…then…”

David smiled at the bumbling chef. Oh yes, there was a reception planned, and for some reason, Gerard wasn’t telling David about it. David hated to think that perhaps his idiot husband was actually clever enough to do something behind his back. It never boded well when Gerard tried to be clever.

“Leo, could you see to my bed sheets? They need changing.”

Leo bit his lip. He’d changed the damn things that morning. “Of course, your highness.”

After Leo had left, David stepped closer to Bojan. “So you, and Leo?”

“What?” Bojan asked, flushing brightly. “Me and Leo what? There’s nothing going on there. Nothing.” Bojan managed to slop cream down the front of himself.

David smiled charmingly. “Oh, but I saw the way you looked at him. You rather wish there was something going on there, don’t you?”

“Oh, well, you know,” Bojan spluttered as he dabbed cream uselessly from his already dirty apron. “Leo…well…” Leo had given Bojan a lecture on how it was pointless for the peasantry to attempt to find love when they’d both be dead by the time they were thirty, anyways.

“Bojan,” David said, leaning too close to him and making Bojan sweat. “What say you help me figure out what King Gerard is up to and I’ll help you with Leo?”

“Sure,” Bojan squeaked and very nearly wet himself.

* * * *

“How close are we now?” Cesc asked as he had to pee. Did he ask them to stop? Wait until they got to the castle?

“We should arrive as the sun casts a final glow on the ever after,” Iker said.

“So…nine o’clock?”

“Yes.”

“Do we have a plan?” Cesc wondered.

“I’ve been wondering that myself,” Pepe said.

“I go to the castle and ask to speak to King Gerard,” Iker said. “When he says he won’t give back the country to you and yours, I’ll say sorry for bothering you. Then, as I’m leaving, I’ll sneak into David’s rooms, rescue him, and then on the way out spring your parents from the dungeon!”

Cesc and Pepe blinked.

“You’re just going to walk in there and take them?” Cesc clarified. “No army. No…uhm…plan?”

“I just told you what the plan was!” Iker said irritably. “Aren’t I the one who’s so great with plans?”

“Uh,” Cesc said, knowing full well that what he’d told the pirate captain about Iker’s plan making abilities had been total bullshit. It wasn’t that Iker was dumb, so to speak, but he was much more into bravery and good hair.

“How about while you distract the king, Cesc and I sneak into the dungeon for my parents, and then you get David on your way out?” Pepe countered.

“Or, you all could go into the castle and I can stay out here with the horses, you know, on look-out,” Cesc said, smiling at the thought of being away from people who might try to kill him.

“It would be helpful to have a look out,” Iker mused and Cesc nodded enthusiastically. 

“A look out is very important.”

“Do you even have any idea where in the castle David will be?” Pepe asked. 

“Sure. In the uh…royal suite.”

“Which is?”

“In the nicest part of the castle?”

Pepe turned to give Iker a glare, but the knight was giving him a cheeky grin and Pepe found it impossible to be angry at him. Dammit, why had he betrayed him? The minute Iker got into the castle, he was dead for sure. 

Pepe felt sick as Iker discussed plans with Cesc. Where would be the best place for Cesc to stand guard, anyway? He’d not known Iker when he’d agreed to this plan. He’d thought go nothing but himself…well, and the fate of his entire kingdom…but still, it had been a bit selfish to agree to hand over someone he’d not even known.

And how could he have know that Iker would become someone he’d grow to care about.

To…love…?


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iker confronts King Gerard

Cesc agreed to go into the castle with Iker even though the idea of staying outside as a look out was really the kind of idea he could get behind. He supposed as Iker's squire it was his job to watch Iker's back, but, you know, there weren't any rules about how far back he needed to be. He could see a lot from distances. He had very good eyesight. His mother had said so. 

"Cescky, you don't go getting into the middle of something when you can see just fine from a safe distance."

When the sun was settling over the hills of the departing dawn (9 o'clock), Iker made his way into the castle with Cesc on his heels. Pepe had made them a map which showed the way to the royal quarters as he made his way down to the dungeon to rescue his parents.

Cesc kept checking that he had his sword. This was fine. This would all be fine. Just...

"Jam tarts!" Cesc said, coming up short as they passed through the throne room where a table full of goodies was laid out.

Iker turned to glare at him, but even as he did, a figure appeared out of the shadows.

"Well, well, well," Gerard said, and then had to stop and clear his throat. "Dammit. That wasn't supposed to happen."

Diego rolled his eyes.

"King Gerard!" Iker said, though he really wasn't surprised to run into the halfwit monarch. 

"Yes, Sir Iker, it is I, King Gerard of Valencia!" He took a menacing step forward, but Iker wasn't cowering like he'd imagine he would. Dammit, first he'd choked on his impressive first line and now Iker wasn't cowering. Honestly. Did no one appreciate the value of a threatening gesture?

"Yeah, we've met," Iker said. "What is this all about?"

"You've come to rescue David?" Gerard asked with a knowing wink.

"Uh, yeah," Iker said. Why was he winking?

"Why are you winking?" Cesc asked as pastry sprayed out of the corners of his mouth. He hurriedly wiped jam off of his fingers.

Gerard pouted. "You guys! Stop ruining this! This is supposed to be my moment of triumph! You're here to rescue David on false information that I sent to you, but David doesn't really want you back! It's all a ploy to get you here so I can kill you!"

"Wait, WHAT?" Iker demanded. "David doesn't miss me? He's not crying himself to sleep, wishing he'd not betrayed me?"

"You believed that?" Diego said. "Have you met David?"

Iker gave him a glare and began pacing. Cesc started to stuff jam tarts into a napkin to take with him, sensing that there was about to be a dramatic exit.

"But, but Pepe said! Pepe said that David missed me!"

"Did Pepe also tell you that I promised to release his parents if he lured you here?" Gerard asked with way too happy of a smile. Dammit. He was supposed to be daunting. 

"Why are you making that face?" Diego asked.

"I'm being menacing...Dammit, Diego, be menacing for me."

Diego let out a growl and took a step toward Iker who stepped back in alarm.

"THERE we go!" Gerard said happily. "Now. I'm sorry, but I have to kill you."

"You do?" Iker asked as his hand settled on his sword.

"Yeah, bummer," Gerard said. "Diego! My sword!"

Diego glanced at him. "I don't have your sword."

"You...what? You were supposed to bring my sword!”

“You never told me to bring your sword.”

“Well, give me your sword!”

“You can’t lift my sword,” Diego patiently explained. “You would fall over and look like an idiot.”

“But I’m supposed to kill him and then David will be impressed with me!” Gerard stamped his foot. “Oh, hell, David’s not even here anyway. You kill him and we’ll just tell David I did it, okay?”

While they were arguing, Iker and Cesc were easing back the way they came, Cesc with most of the contents of the buffet stuffed in his shirt. Iker needed to talk to David, but he also didn’t want to get into a fight with Diego who looked like he could take on a fully grown bear. And not like a koala. Like a serious bear. A bear bigger than Iker.

“Run,” Iker whispered and Cesc took off down the hall.

Diego noticed. “Uh, sire…?”

“What?”

“Iker just ran away.”

Gerard whirled around. “AND HE TOOK ALL THE JAM TARTS.”

* * * *

Bojan scampered away down to David’s room with news. Crap, David’s ex was here? And David didn’t know? And King Gerard was going to kill him???

Bojan came screeching into David’s room and found Leo polishing David’s boots.

“Oh…hi…uh…”

“Hey Bojan,” Leo said with a grimace as he shined the boots. “I’m not sure where he is. He was kind of upset when he left, but told me I had to stay here and shine these until he got back.”

“Oh,” Bojan said as he shuffled nervously. “I have…news.”

“David’s ex Iker is here? Yeah, David knows.”

“Well, shit,” Bojan sighed as he sat down next to Leo. That was the news he was going to give David in exchange for… oh yeah. He scooted a little closer to Leo. “Those are already really shiny.”

“I know,” Leo said. “David never leaves the castle. His boots are never dirty. But I have to clean them every day.”

“So….don’t clean them, tell him you cleaned them and who’s to know?”

Leo grinned at Bojan. “Now you’re starting to sound like me.”

“You’re very smart,” Bojan said, leaning in slightly, hoping a kiss might be forthcoming.

Leo edged away. “I better get these finished.”

Bojan deflated.

* * * *

Pepe arrived in the dungeon. His parents had been living down here for months and he was afraid they were wasting away. He spied them .in a cell Good lord they were shrinking!

“Pepe!” Villa said as he stood up.

Oh, thank god, Pepe thought to himself as Silva sprung to his feet as well.

“Aren’t there any guards?” Pepe asked as he looked around.

“The king was having some kind of reception tonight,” Villa said.

“Jam tarts….” Silva said with a happy sigh. “Sometimes Bojan sneaks down with jam tarts.”

“Is there a key?” Pepe asked as he shook the bars.

“The guards have it,” Villa said as he too dreamed of jam tarts.

Iker and Cesc came bounding in. “King Gerard wants to kill us,” Iker said in a rush. “I’m ignoring for the moment that he also told me that you betrayed me but don’t even think of a second that we’re not addressing that later. We have to go.”

“Are those jam tarts?” Silva asked as he spied pastry leaking out of Cesc’s shirt.

“Hell yeah they are,” Cesc said as he offered one over.

“Oh, me too!” Villa said.

Pepe and Iker shared a look of annoyance. Then Pepe shook the bars again as Villa got his tart. “We don’t have a key.”

“Key,” Iker said as he pulled out the keys he’d stolen from the guard. Between him and Pepe, they managed to find the right key while the Pastry Hobbits emptied out Cesc’s stash.

Even as Pepe embraced his fathers, hoping they’d be able to escape, he felt horrible for betraying Iker. Hell, he’d betrayed Iker and her here was helping him free his parents. Iker was amazing and Pepe was an idiot.

“Well, well, well, what have we here?”

Halfway up the stairs, they ran into King Gerard and Diego.

Iker drew his sword, but Diego was faster, punching Iker who toppled backward on to the others, causing them all to end up in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.

Gerard beamed down at them. “Diego. Lock them up.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David has an indecent proposal for Iker and King Gerard has an unexpected guest.

Cesc looked at a strange man sitting in the corner of the cell. “Who are you?”

“Sergio,” he replied. “Court Jester.”

“Ah,” Cesc said, realizing the reason for the sparkly pants. “What are you in for?”

“King didn’t think it was all that funny that I was sleeping with his husband.”

“You were sleeping with David!?!?” Iker asked from the other side of the dungeon, alarmed.

“Uh,” Sergio said as he averted his eyes. 

“I’M HUNGRY,” Cesc announced loudly in an effort to distract Iker.

“You didn’t seriously eat everything you stuffed in your shirt, did you?” Iker asked, his grumpy intensifying. 

“They helped!” Cesc accused the Davids who still had tart crumbs on their doublets.

“We’ve got to get out of here,” Villa said with a sigh as he brushed at the crumbs. It was getting rather crowded in the dungeon, what with the usurped kings, their son Pepe, Iker, Cesc, and Sergio all sitting around waiting for…

Silva sat, awkwardly cuddling his son, Pepe in his lap. Pepe was a good foot or more taller, but Silva was giving it a try.

“How?” Iker asked, rattling at the bars. He laid his face against the cool metal. Where was David? If he could just talk to…

“David!” 

He lifted his head to see his beloved David approach, smiling brightly at him. “Iker! You came all this way for me?”

“Uh, yes,” Iker said, confused, but as David smiled at him, he began to hope that maybe Gerard had been lying. David really had missed him. “What are you doing down here!”

“I came to get you, silly,” David said with a wink. The guard stepped forward and unlocked the cell to let Iker out. David took his hand and pulled him out of the dungeon.

The others looked at each other.

Silva frowned. “He’s not coming back for the rest of us…is he?”

* * * *

David made small talk all of the way back to his chambers. Iker could sense a change in David. While David had always had an eye for the finer things in life, he has gone seriously over the top with the high fashion outfits and tattoos.

“How was your journey?” David asked pleasantly as he led Iker into his room. The place was twice the size of Iker’s place.

“Uh, fine.”

Two servants stood by the bed, heads bowed. 

“You can go,” David waved his hand at the pair.

The two made for the door.

“Wait!” David called. “Leo, are my boots shined?”

“Yes, your highness.”

“Bojan. We need jam tarts.”

“Of course your highness.”

“But just leave them in the corridor,” David said with a wink at Iker. “We may be busy when you get back.”

Iker forced a smile on his face. This was odd.

“Please, sit,” David invited. He was gesturing to the bed, but Iker took a seat at a table across the room. David moved to join him. “So…you came all this way to win me back?”

“Uh…” Iker said, knowing that had been his plan, but seriously wondering if it was a good plan any more. “Pepe said you missed me?”

“I do miss you,” David said with a sad smile. “You know I loved you…I mean, as much as anyone like me could love anyone.”

“Do what?” Iker asked with a frown.

“Iker,” David said as he laid his hand on his former lover’s. “You know how I am. I choose all this over you.”

“Uh, yeah,” Iker said, his gut getting that old familiar twinge.

“And I did that because, well, I assumed I couldn’t have all of this and have you.”

Iker wasn’t sure he liked where this was going. David smiled and gazed into his eyes.

“But now you’re here. You still love me, and well, let’s face it, King Gerard can’t satisfy me in the ways you always could. So…now I can have both.”

“You…what?” Iker asked.

“Both,” David said as he stroked the inside of Iker’s wrist. “You can be my…special friend here at the palace. You and I get to be together and I still get to be royalty.”

“Wow,” Iker said as David leaned in to kiss him. 

* * * *

Gerard was in a snit. His tarts were all gone, Iker was still alive, and David was locked in his chambers and refused to come out. Seriously. Could this be going any worse for him?

Diego sat at his side, trying to stifle a yawn. It was going on midnight and why couldn’t Gerard just go to bed and sleep on this. Surely they could wait to kill people until the morning. Everyone liked a nice morning hanging. Set the tone for the day.

“I’m in a snit,” Gerard announced out of nowhere.

“Yes, your highness,” Diego said, knowing he sounded as annoyed as he felt.

“This is all wrong, WRONG.”

“You said.”

Gerard glared at him. “Diego, what should I do?”

“Have a sleep. It will all look better in the morning.”

“Really?” Gerard asked hopefully. He sighed. “Diego, will you sing me a lullaby?”

“No.”

“Please?”

Diego sighed. Couldn’t Gerard just get drunk and pass out like a normal person?

There was a banging on the door of the castle which saved Diego.

“Who could that be at this hour?” Gerard asked as eh got up from his throne. 

“I’ll see to it, your highness,” Diego said and nearly tripped over himself as he ran for the corridor which lead to the main doors. He didn’t care it it was a freaking dragon at this point. 

However, when he opened the door, he was beginning to wish it had been a dragon.

“Diego! How are you?”

The man at the door embraced Diego like they were old friends. Diego’s mind raced.

“Your…” Diego stuttered over what to call the man. Was he king?

“Is my dear brother in?” the man asked, shaking out his long curly hair.

“Uh,” Diego said. “Yeah.”

“Well, lead the way, good man!” the man laughed, his blue eyes bright with laughter.

“Well, who was it?” King Gerard demanded as Diego re-entered the throne room.

“Your Highness,” Diego said as the visitor appeared behind him. “It’s your brother, Carles.”

Gerard’s jaw dropped. “Holy…shit…”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard has an enlightening experience and Iker's had enough.

“How are you, little brother?” Carles asked as he leaned in to hug King Gerard. 

“Uh, fine,” Gerard said. “I thought you were on a crusade?”

“I was, I’m back now,” Carles said. “Are you enjoying being king?”

“Sure,” Gerard said.

“Good. Good. Well, I better get some sleep. It’s was a long trip from Jerusalem. We can talk about me taking over being king again now that I’m back in the morning. Nite.”

Gerard’s jaw dropped. After Carles had left, Gerard turned to Diego in disbelief. “He can’t just do that!”

“Of course not,” Diego replied.

But could he….?

* * * *

Iker disengaged from the kiss. “Yeah…I don’t think so.”

David frowned. “Do what?”

“I don’t think I want to be your…boy toy.”

“But, why not?” David demanded. “You said you wanted to be with me! You like, have been moping around for months! You traveled all this way!”

“Because I thought you still loved me!” Ike said as he pulled away from David and began to pace.

“I do… I mean, as much as someone like me can, you know?”

“What does that even mean!” Iker shouted.

“Look!” David said with a glare. “I do…care about you. But I like living here. I think you’d like living here. You just have to give it a chance!”

Iker walked away from David. “No.”

“Fine,” David spat. “GUARDS! Take him back to his cell!”

Iker didn’t struggle as they led him down to the dungeon. They might as well kill him now. He had nothing left to live for, anyway.

 

* * * *

Things did not look better in the morning. Gerard was mooning around the throne room. Diego was nowhere to be seen.

Bojan scampered in with a tray of jam tarts. “I got fresh pasty!”

“I don’t want it,” Gerard pouted.

“These ones are strawberry!” Bojan prompted. 

Gerard eyed them. He grabbed two and stuffed them in his face. Through a spray of pastry crumbs, he complained. “Bojan, my brother wants to take my throne back.”

“Whoa,” Bojan said. “Can he do that?”

“I don’t know!” Gerard said. “But he thinks he can. Why do people push me around all the time! Why do I let David treat me how he does? Why?”

“Sounds like you need some Xanax.”

“Some what?”

“There’s this magician. His name is Guti, but people call him Xanax because he can whip up a potion that will make you feel better in minutes.”

“How will that help? Gerard said. 

Bojan shrugged. “It’ll make you feel better.”

“Let’s go.”

“Wait, you want me to take you?” Bojan asked, alarmed.

“You know the way, don’t you?” Gerard asked. 

“Sure, but…” Bojan said, contemplating all the ways this could go wrong and leave Bojan dead.

“Let’s go.”

“Yes, sire.”

* * * *

Bojan knocked on the door to Guti’s place. “We’ll just see if he’s home…”

A moment later, a dark, curly haired man answered the door. “Guti?” Gerard asked hopefully.

“No,” the man said. “He’s in the attic.”

“Are you Raul?” Bojan asked, not quite recognizing the handsome man who had been Guti’s partner for years. 

“Yes,” Raul said. “And while you’re up there, you can tell the diva that maybe once in a while he could come down and do some DAMN HOUSE WORK.”

“I TOLD YOU I HAVE IMPORTANT MAGICING TO DO!” called a voice down the stairs.

Raul rolled his eyes and let them in. Bojan led the way up to the second floor which was a dark room with the only light coming from the few windows at the far end. A cauldron bubbled on the fire.

“King Gerard?” Guti said, squinting at him. “Is that you?”

“Are you Xanax the Magician?” 

“Well, no,” Guti said. “I’m technically not allowed to call myself a magician since the…uh…incident.”

“HE SET THE KING OF VALENCIA’S MOTHER ON FIRE.”

“SHUT UP IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.” Guti slammed the door to the attic in disgust. “It was totally an accident.”

“Sure,” Gerard said, starting to wonder if he’d made a mistake.

“What did you need?” Guti asked with a smile.

“The king has been under some stress,” Bojan said. “We were hoping for a little potion to help take the edge off.”

“Ah yes,” Guti said with a solemn nod. “I have just the thing.” Guti rummaged around in his stores for a bit, adding all manner of ingredients to his cauldron which had turned an ominous green color and was glowing. “Eye on newt…” he pondered.

“Ew,” Gerard made a face.

“It takes the bitterness out of the flavor,” Guti assured him as he popped in a couple of eyeballs. “Now, just a stir…”

Sparks flew from the cauldron.

“That should be about ready then,” Guti said as he dipped a ladle into the mix and offered the smoking fluid to Gerard who made a face. “It tastes better than it smells,” Guti assured him.

Gerard took tentative sip. Bleah.

“Drink it down!” 

Gerard screwed up his face and swallowed the lot. It burned down his throat, causing him to sputter.

“You want?” Guti offered the ladle to Bojan next who shrugged and took some. If Gerard was paying…

Gerard stood there for a moment, wondering what was supposed to happen, and then it hit him.

“Whoa…”

“You might want to sit,” Guti said as Gerard started to sway.

Gerard flopped back onto a pile of pillows Guti had laid out for just such a purpose. Bojan giggled and laid down next to him. 

“My brain tickles,” Gerard giggled with him.

Bojan giggled some more.

Guti took a chug. “Now. Tell me what you’re stressed about.”

“Oh god its just everything you know I mean I try to be a good king and make sure I rule everyone and do all that king shit, but some days it’s so hard and I’ve got David refusing to sleep with me I mean dammit I’m supposed to be the fucking king you know and no he’s all like I want to sleep with Sergio the jester and I’m fucking tired of that I mean I was married to Shakira in another life and she’s like the hottest fucking chick in the whole damn universe and like she had my babies and everything so you think fucking David who, well, is arguably like a man-Shakira I mean he’s real hot and all so if Shakira will have me David would too you know but no and I even took over fucking Valencia for him and put those little hobbits in the dungeon and all and they didn’t do anything wrong but no I do that all for David and can I even get a damn blow job no and don’t even start me on Iker like who the hell does he think he is being all dark and brooding and David loves him and not me and did Shakira want Iker? No, she wanted me and now I got my fucking brother who has like fucking amazing hair and all but he’s all I’m back from the crusades and I want to be king now like I fucking haven’t been trying to be king all this time and he’s pushed me around since we were kids and mom loved him best anyway and it’s like I’m always fucking second best.”

Gerard paused to take a breath and Bojan spoke up. “Maybe you need to stop letting people treat you like you’re second best? I mean, I’m a serf and used to being treated like crap, but you’re the king.”

“I am the fucking king!” Gerard tried to sit up but immediately crashed back down. “I need to take charge!”

“Maybe give the potion a chance to wear off before you do that,” Guti said pleasantly as he enjoyed the buzz.

“Totally. As soon as I can stand I’m going to tell David what’s up.”

“And I’m going to go tell Leo how I feel!” Bojan announced.

“Leo? The maid?” Gerard said. “He’s kinda short.”

“We’re serfs. We’re all short.”

“Fair enough.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iker et all still languish in the dungeon as Gerard decides it's time to take a stand.

Back in the dungeon, Iker was depressed. “Did he ever love me?”

Cesc bit his tongue.

Across the dungeon, Pepe was watching. Why did Iker still love David? David was a douche canoe. Sure, he had great hair and perfect abs, but there was more to love than that.

“Maybe you should move on,” Cesc said. “Focus on helping Pepe regain the throne of Valencia and then we can…go visit the Enchanted Forest.” 

“You want to go pick up random guys at a bar?” Iker asked, raising an eyebrow at Cesc.

“We’re on chapter 14 of this thing and no one has gotten laid yet.”

“I did,” Sergio spoke up from his corner of the prison where he’d been lounging, watching all the drama.

“Don’t remind me,” Iker glared. 

“He’s not all that good,” Sergio shrugged.

“What?” Iker asked as he took a menacing step toward Sergio.

“David,” Sergio said. “He’s not that good. I’ve had better. Haven’t you?”

“Well,” Iker said, not wanting to admit that David was the only one he’d ever been with. “I thought he was good.”

“Please,” Sergio said. “He can’t give a blow job without a mirror to watch himself in.”

Cesc tried not to giggle and failed. 

“I give a pretty good blow job,” Pepe mentioned with all the casualness of a bull in a china shop.

“PEPE!” his fathers chorused and Pepe blushed furiously.

Iker glanced at Pepe. He probably did.

“Anyway,” Cesc said as he cleared his throat. “Plans. We need plans.”

Everyone sat for a long moment and thought about what they could possibly do. Villa and Silva contemplated that they’d been in this dungeon for months and what exactly did Cesc think five more minutes of thinking was going to accomplish? Sergio checked his nails and wondered when David would miss him and come and rescue him. Pepe wondered if he could seduce Iker in this dungeon. Iker couldn’t stop thinking about Pepe and blow jobs.

Thankfully, Diego entered the dungeon at that moment. “Hey, you lot. The king wants to see you.”

“Why?” Iker asked.

“The king’s brother Carles is here and Gerard needs to act like he’s in charge.”

“This could be good,” Sergio said as he got up. He checked his hair in the mirror in case David would be up there. He really didn’t want to have to hang out in the dungeon any more.

* * * *

David lounged on his throne. Gerard’s hot older brother turning up and demanding the throne was an excellent development. Maybe David should support him instead. Break up with Gerard and get with Carles.

But then again Carles didn’t look like he could be bullied the way Gerard could be. David did so like that he could push around Gerard. He got to do whatever he wanted. Who ever he wanted.

David grinned.

“I AM KING AND I DEMAND TO BE RESPECTED AS THE KING!”

David looked up and saw Gerard weave into the throne room, followed by Bojan who was giggling.

“Your highness?” David asked.

“Bojan, get me some more jam tarts.”

“OH YES!” Bojan said and ran across the room. “JAM TARTS!!!!!”

“You guys went to see Xanax, didn’t you?” David said with a knowing grin.

“Maybe,” Gerard said non-commitally. He peered at David. “Why are you such a whore?”

David blinked at Gerard, completely nonplussed. “Excuse me?”

“You! You sleep with every thing in the seven realms. Well, except me,” Gerard grumbled. Before David could respond, Gerard lost interest in him. “Where is that brother of mine. We need to have a conversation about the future of this kingdom!”

“You rang?” Carles asked, his eyes full of mirth as he regarded his brother who was sprawled across his throne.

“YOU!” Gerard said as he sprang to his feet.

Before Gerard could get a proper tirade going, Diego appeared with the prisoners. Gerard had totally forgotten he’d had them sent for.

“Iker! Pepe! Davids! That strange little kid that came with Iker!”

“Cesc,” he said, “the name is Cesc.”

Gerard ignored him. “Why did you bring HIM?” Gerard made a face at Sergio.

“You said all the prisoners, your highness,” Diego said. 

“Oh,” Gerard said even as he gave Sergio a glare. “So. We have a bit of a situ here.”

“We…what?” Carles asked.

“Situation,” Gerard said. “Now, to recap considering the damn writer hasn’t posted in like a month.”

“Three weeks,” the writer grumbled.

“Okay. So Iker showed up her to get the love of his life, David back, but David only wants his for a boy toy and Iker is depressed,” Gerard began. “Pepe brought him here so I could kill him but that all went to hell. I could still kill Iker, I suppose.”

“Not necessary,” Iker pipped up.

“Now, the kings of Valencia are just wanting me to fuck off an leave so they can have their kingdom back.”

“Basically, yes,” Villa agreed.

“And David here is a man-ho who slept with everything, but me. Now my older brother is here and wants this kingdom, which I would LIKE to remind him was never really his kingdom ever, because I took it over all by myself. Right?”

“What’s yours is mine, brother,” Carles said sweetly.

“Bullshit,” Gerard countered. “Now. Everyone up to speed?”

“Totes.”

“Good. Now. What are we going to do about all this fuckery?”

“I challenge you to a duel for the kingship,” Carles said as he stood before Gerard, towering over him like a central defender on derby night.

“Can he do that?” Gerard said, looking around Carles at the others who just shrugged.

“Of course he can,” David said as he stood. “He has my full support.” David fluttered his eyelashes at Carles and Carles winked back at him. 

“You’re my fucking husband!” Gerard exclaimed as he rose to his feet.

“Apparently not,” Cesc said with a giggle.

“Shut up, hobbit,” Gerard glared. “I can have you killed.”

Cesc made a face but shut up. When did Gerard get all king-y?

“Fine,” Gerard agreed. “We shall have a battle to the death. In the great tradition of kings in the past, we shall choose a champion to fight for us. I choose…”

“Diego fights for me!” Carles exclaimed.

“Wait, what?” Gerard protested. “I was going to have Diego fight for me! He’s my henchman!”

“Sorry,” Carles said though he clearly wasn’t.

“Diego!” Gerard turned to him. “You can’t fight for my brother!”

“Sorry,” Diego said. “He called it.”

“Well, shit,” Gerard looked around. “Who will fight for me?”

Everyone got really interested. in their shoes at that moment.

But even as Iker looked down, he realized this might be his moment. He looked up to see a desperate Gerard. Yup. This would work.

“I will fight for you,” Iker said and tried not to think about the hulking Diego looming next to him. 

“AWESOME.”

“On one condition,” Iker said and the smile fell off Gerard’s face.

“What?”

“If I win, you must agree to free me and my friends.”

Sergio edged a little closer to Iker. Totally Iker’s friend. Totally.

“Fine, whatever,” Gerard agreed. “The duel will take place at noon tomorrow!”

“Wait,” Villa said. “If we’re dueling it out for the rule of Valencia, why can’t we submit a champion?”

Pepe felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Dad…”

Carles looked interested. “I suppose we could.”

“Uh, no we CAN’T,” Gerard countered to be contrary.

He was ignored. “I nominate my son, Prince Pepe to be the champion for Valencia!”

“The more the merrier!” Carles beamed. Diego would eat both Iker and Pepe for breakfast.

“This is not going to end well,” Cesc sighed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They need a plan

“We so totally need a plan,” Iker said as they were all locked back in the dungeon that evening.

“You and Pepe take out Diego, set us all free and then the Davids can take over Valencia again?” Cesc said. 

Iker burst out laughing. “You are funny. So, what’s our real plan?”

“You don’t think you can take Diego?” Silva asked. 

“Have you seen that guy?” Pepe squeaked. 

“Plan,” Iker pondered. “Plan.”

“Well, we don’t need a plan,” Villa announced. “While you were all were whining about Diego, I sent a pigeon to Prince Philippe of Coutinho…”

“YOU DID WHAT?” Pepe asked loudly as he glared at his father.

“What, you all weren’t doing anything,” Villa said.

“YOU VOLUNTEERED ME TO DUEL DIEGO,” Pepe shouted. “I THINK THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR TODAY.”

“You don’t need to shout at your father,” Silva said. “Besides, Philippe can just be our back-up.”

“We don’t need Philippe!”

“Who’s Philippe?” Cesc felt the need to ask both for himself and on behalf of the reader.

Pepe muttered something.

“Your what?”

“He’s my cousin,” Pepe said.

“And your fiancé!” Silva giggled.

“Wait, your fiancé is your cousin?” Sergio felt the need to speak.

“Yes.”

“Ew,” Cesc said.

“We’re royals. We have to marry royals. It was him or our third cousin Harry of Kane from Tottenham.”

“Go for Philippe,” Cesc shuddered. “Is he cute?”

“He’s twelve.”

“Oh, groddy,” Cesc said and made another face. “I say you face Diego. Even if you die that’s gotta be better, am I right?”

He turned to nudge Iker who was supposed to be his straight man, (figuratively speaking), but Iker was gazing at Pepe with a troubled expression on his dark features.

Pepe was betrothed? To a twelve year old? But…Iker was falling for Pepe! How could Pepe have not mentioned this in the hours they spent together traveling to get here? Well, he also didn’t mention he was taking you to King Gerard to be killed, either, did he? What else didn’t Pepe tell you?

But deep in his heart, Iker couldn’t believe anything bad about Pepe. Pepe had done what he’d done to save his fathers and his home. Surely he had a good reason for not mentioning Philippe?

“Iker?” Cesc enquired as the aside was detracting from the comedic genius of the scene. He was killing it, here.

“Sorry,” Iker said and his eyes met Pepe’s. Pepe was pleading with Iker to understand. Iker looked away.

“Okay, so….right….” Cesc said, his momentum blown. “No plans then?”

“None,” Sergio sighed as he slumped against the wall.

* * * *

An hour or so later, with everyone half asleep and hungry, Iker crossed the cell to sit with Pepe who looked most dejected of all.

“We’ll figure something out,” Iker promised him as he slid his hand into Pepe’s.

Pepe gave him half a smile. “I’ve already fucked this all up beyond all recognition. You don’t have to rescue me.”

“Maybe I want to,” Iker said with a small smile.

Pepe returned it, and when they moved closer, about to kiss, Pepe caught Cesc beaming at them out of the corner of his eye. 

He cleared his throat and pulled back, leaving Iker confused.

Pepe glanced meaningfully at Cesc who, when Iker turned, gave them a double thumbs up.

“For the love of Jose,” Iker groaned and Pepe chuckled. “We’ve got to get out of this cell,” Iker said, and then his eyes got wide. “Out of this cell!”

“Yes, that’s the plan,” Pepe said with a frown.

“Guard!” Iker said as he jumped to his feet, abandoning Pepe and rushing to the bars.

The guard, a bored looking man called Mikel, glanced at him. “What?”

“I need to speak with King Gerard.”

“So?”

“So…go get him!” Iker demanded, and Mikel rolled his eyes.

“No.”

“Please…John Obi..?”

“It’s Mikel John Obi,” he corrected.

“Really, I always thought it was John Mikel Obi,” Sergio said.

“Well, it’s actually John Michael Nchekwube Obinna.”

“Really? That’s a mouthful. I thought Sergio Ramos Garcia was enough.”

“Please. Francesc Fabregas Soler?” 

“ANYWAY,” Iker said loudly and Cesc and Sergio faded to the background. “How about it?”

Mikel sighed. “What’s in it for me?”

“We won’t kill you when we take over Valencia?” Iker offered.

“YOU BETTER NOT KILL MIKEL, THE WRITER WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!”

Iker glared. “Then why did you make him the guard? Guards are disposable characters. If you wanted him to survive this you should have made him a main character.”

“Mikel isn’t really a main character kind a guy,” Cesc interjected. “I mean, he’s a defensive midfielder. He’s not out there to score goals or make spectacular saves. He’s shoring up the back line. He’s been hanging out in the background at Chelsea for a decade. Half the people reading this had to Google him because they’re like “John Obi Wan…who???”

“If I go tell the king you want to see him, will you all SHUT UP?” Mikel pleaded.

“Yes,” Iker agreed and shoved Cesc to the back of the cell.

Cesc pressed his lips together and sat. It wasn’t like he was going to get killed. Please, he was the writer’s favorite. And he played for Chelsea. He was basically indestructible.

Fifteen minutes later, Diego appeared. “What do you want?”

“To see King Gerard?” Iker said. “Not you.”

“No one talks to the king without going through me first,” Diego crossed his arms and glared.

“Tell him I have some juicy gossip about David,” Iker grinned.

“No.”

“Well, if you don’t tell him now, I’ll tell him tomorrow and then refuse to tell him the gossip,” Iker said with a smug look.

Diego sighed. Gerard would have an absolute fit. “Let me ask.”

The minutes later, Diego was leading Iker upstairs to Gerard’s room. 

Cesc watched them go. “So…what’s he planning?”

“No idea,” Pepe said with a sigh. “Wonder what he’s going to say about David?”

“I wonder if we’re ever getting out of this fucking dungeon,” Villa sighed.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iker and Gerard bond...and drink

“So, you have juicy gossip about David?” Gerard asked, clapping his hands together. He was sitting up in bed, wearing his crowd, and looked utterly delighted to hear nasty gossip about his husband that still refused to sleep with him.

Iker grinned. Diego glowered from the door.

“David has the ugliest feet.”

“He does?” Gerard asked, eyes wide. He’d never actually seen his husband naked.

“It’s why he always wears socks to bed and refuses to go to the beach,” Iker said. “They’re all funny and his toenails are a mess.”

“Too good,” Gerard giggled.

“Are you done, now?” Diego demanded. 

“Oh, Diego, why do you always have to be such a party pooper?”

“We kind of have a big day coming up tomorrow? Iker has to fight for your kingdom? Against me?”

“I didn’t tell you that you had to fight Iker,” Gerard said. “You were supposed to be my champion and fight for me but oh no, Diego has had a crush on my stupid brother Carles for ages and now he wants to fight for him.”

“I do NOT have a crush on Carles!” Diego all but shouted.

“You so do, Iker he does,” Gerard said. 

“It sounds like all three of us could use a drink,” Iker said as inspiration struck and he headed over to the bar at the side of Gerard’s room.

“A drink! Ooh! We can have drinks and a gossip session like we’re real friends! I don’t have any guy friends, Iker,” Gerard said sadly.

Diego was simmering. “You don’t need a drink, you need to go to sleep!”

“YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER”! Gerard shouted. “Now shoo. Go away while I have a nice drink with MY champion who’s willing to fight for ME and not my BROTHER.”

Diego stalked out, and Iker poured the drinks, thinking perhaps it wasn’t the best time to mention that the only reason he was fighting for Gerard was to save his own skin.

“Oh the hell with this,” Gerard said, throwing back the covers to reveal he was wearing a pink polka dotted onesie. “We should go out to the pub!”

“Alright then,” Iker said as he took a slug of the wine anyway. It was a damn sight better than he wine he usually drank.

Gerard got dressed which took entirely longer than necessary especially when Iker refused to help lace up his trousers. There were things you just didn’t do for someone you were only pretending to be friends with.

“This is going to be fun,” Gerard said as he linked arms with Iker and they made their way out to the village next to the castle and entered the local pub. When everyone saw it was the king who had arrived, everyone got wary immediately. He’d not exactly been the greatest ruler of Valencia and generally when he turned up, people got executed.

“NEXT ROUND IS ON ME!” Gerard exclaimed and a cheer went up. He glanced at Iker. “I don’t have any money, do you have money?”

“You’re the bloody king!” Iker protested. “Can’t you just, I don’t know, start a tab?”

“What does that mean?” Gerard, who’d never actually paid for anything in his life, asked.

Iker assured the bartender that payment was forthcoming and two massive tankards of ale was placed before them. As Iker predicted, Gerard was a bit of a lightweight when it came to drinking and half a tankard later, he was running his mouth.

“Why doesn’t any one like me, Iker? I’m the fucking king! I thought people liked kings.”

“Well,” Iker said as he took a deep drink to stall. “Perhaps that you can be a tiny bit of a tyrant is putting people off.”

“I’m just trying to…rule…” Gerard said with a belch. “Some times you have to do things people don’t like!”

“You took over their kingdom, imprisoned their kings, burned their crops, and killed their army,” Iker said.

“Only a little!” Gerard said. “Maybe I should just let Carles take over. He can be king and he can even have David, I don’t even care. I want to go home.”

“Or,” Iker thought as quick as his brain was capable of at that moment. If Carles was king, it wouldn’t be a whole lot better for Pepe and the Valencians. “We kill your brother, give Valencia back to the Davids and then we go back to your kingdom!”

“MAYBE,” Gerard stood up. “I could kill Carles and then David will love me again!”

Iker didn’t think this was the best moment to mention that David probably never did love Gerard. He probably never did love anyone but himself.

“I’M GOING TO KILL MY BROTHER!” Gerard announce to the pub and everyone cheered with him. “COME ON, IKER!”

Iker had to scramble to catch up to Gerard who went pelting out of the pub into the night.

“I FEEL LIKE WE’RE ON A SECRET MISSION!”

“Maybe you should stop yelling,” Iker suggested which only caused Gerard to giggle. Iker started to giggle with him, the stress of the last few weeks and all the wine and beer he’d been drinking…this really was a great plan that they had. They’d kill Carles, Gerard would be grateful for his help, he’d let everyone go free and he and Pepe could run off together and live happily ever…

Gerard tripped on his own feet and the pair of them when tumbling down the steps to the castle.

“SHHHH WE’RE GONNA GET CAUGHT,” Gerard said as he laughed and shoved Iker off of him.

They barged into the castle, singing at the top of their lungs.

“OMG WE NEED MORE WINE,” Gerard decided as he took a turn for the steps to the cellar and nearly went ass-over-tea-kettle down them. He grabbed Iker for support and the two of them went down, giggling. 

They collected two bottles each which they began to drink with gusto, singing a song about going to kill a king which, for the most part, they seemed to be making up as they went along.

Climbing back out of the cellar, they stumbled down the corridor to where the royal chambers were. They ran into a line of men waiting outside David’s door.

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Gerard demanded.

“Uh,” one of the men, looking terrified, said. “David is…uh….auditioning new consorts.”

“He’s WHAT?” Gerard asked angrily, but he soon began to giggle again. “OMG HE’S SUCH A WHORE!”

“Shhhh,” Iker said but even as he did he dissolved into giggles. “Hey, hey, ask him to see his feet. He’s really, REALLY proud of his feet.”

Gerard started to guffaw and the pair went stumbling on down toward the chamber where Carles was sleeping.

“Okay,” Gerard said as he stopped in front of the door. “We need a plan.”

“Right,” Iker said as he took a slug of wine. “Okay. You kill him.”

“Me? I thought you could do it?” Gerard whined.

“No! You’re proving your manliness, remember?”

“Oh, yeah,” Gerard sighed. “Okay. What do I kill him with?”

“Your sword?”

“Sword….right. It would have been a good idea to bring a sword.”

Iker groaned. 

“I usually have Diego do this stuff. Where do we get a sword?” Gerard asked a he started to hiccup.

However, before Iker could answer, the door in front of them swung open. There stood Carles, in his robe and pink bunny slippers. “You can borrow mine if you like.”

“Oh FUCK, Iker, he heard us coming!”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath and a clever plan

Iker fell face first into the straw on the floor of the dungeon. He let out a groan. The others stood around him, peering down.

“Iker?”

Cesc looked at Pepe who looked at Sergio who toed at Iker with his foot. Getting no response, he toed him harder.

Iker rolled to his side. “Am I dead?”

“We’re trying to determine that,” Cesc said as Iker flopped onto his back.

“I may have” *belch* “had a bit too much to drink.”

“I thought you went to King Gerard to talk some sense into him so we could all like, NOT DIE,” King Villa shouted down at him and Iker winced.

“I DID,” Iker said. “I sorta did. I…well…we made a plan to kill Carles and then…well…” Iker closed his eyes in an attempt to keep all the angry glares from spinning in front of his eyes.

“So…did you kill him?” Pepe asked hopefully.

“No,” Iker sighed. He opened his eyes again. “You’re hot.”

Sergio kicked his side and walked away.

“Ouch.”

Cesc and Pepe helped Iker up against the wall where he sat, his head lolling. He looked at Pepe with a dopey smile. “I wanted to save your kingdom for you.”

“I told you. Prince Philippe will come and we’ll all be fine,” King Villa said.

“Totally fine,” King Silva agreed.

Pepe glared them both to the other side of the cell as he leaned down to Iker. “We can take Diego in the fight tomorrow. If both of us work together, we can take him.”

“You’re hot,” Iker said and let out another belch.

Pepe sat down with a sigh.

* * * *

Iker awoke with a splitting hangover and the suspicion he might have done something regrettable the night before. He kept his eyes shut and deiced not to think about anything while his stomach decided if it was going to disgorge its contents.

“You’re to report to the arena.”

Iker opened an eye and saw the guard standing there, a smirk on his face. He decided to go ahead and puke.

The whole party from the prison were lead out to the fighting arena where a crowd had gathered for the showdown. Carles was lounging in the royal box, with Gerard leaning sulkily on the wall behind him. He may have been using the wall to prop himself up. He looked about as good as Iker.

Diego was stood in the middle of the arena, looking more terrifying than Pepe had remembered him. Pepe glanced at Iker and saw that Iker might puke again. He felt like puking himself. 

Cesc stood by with Iker’s sword, wondering if he should offer to fight on Iker’s behalf. He really wasn’t as good as a fighter as Iker, but Iker didn’t look good. Maybe Cesc should gallantly step up and offer to battle Diego. He could prove himself and become a knight like Iker…he could…

“Alright, let’s get this over with. Diego, could you just kill those two and I can be king?”

Diego shot a glare at Carles, but didn’t reply. No, quite frankly he didn’t want to kill either Iker or Pepe. Not that Diego was terribly concerned about honor, but he’d spend his life protecting Gerard and he didn’t want to do something that would hurt his king. His friend…

“Someone’s coming!”

Everyone turned, rather relieved to see a cloud of dust approaching the arena. It could have been anything- perhaps an invading army!

As the dust settled, it revealed a dozen or so soldiers in their finest and one…twelve year old.

“I told you he was coming!” Villa said and fist bumped Silva.

“Who is this?” Carles demanded.

“I am Prince Philippe of Liverpool. I have come to claim my groom, Pepe of Valencia!”

Pepe puked.

Diego jumped back. He wasn’t going to have to kill them, they were both just going to up and die.

Gerard glanced at Carles who was looking angry and pushed himself up. “We can’t have a duel today! The laws of Valencia dictate that any visiting royalty must immediately be treated to a lavish feast!”

“They do?” Villa asked with a frown but Silva elbowed him hard.

“They do!” Gerard confirmed as he made his way of the dais to greet Philippe and made a valiant effort to stay steady on his feet. “Come! We will show you to your room where you can freshen up and then a feast!”

Up in the stands Bojan’s jaw dropped. “A FEAST?”

* * * *

Messi found Bojan in the kitchen scurrying about like a madman.

“LEO!” Bojan said even as he shoved a platter of chickens into the oven. “Are you here to help me? Please tell me you’re here to help me!”

“David wants help dressing for the feast,” Leo said. “But I came to check on you. How are you going to get a feast for a hundred people ready in time?”

“I don’t know!” Bojan wailed. “Here, dice onions while you talk.” He dropped a heavy sack of onions on the table.

“They shouldn’t be allowed to treat us like this!” Leo insisted, but un untied the sack and rolled the onions onto the table. 

“Allowed? We’re serfs! Since when did we get a say in anything!” Bojan ran around kneading bread while trying to stir soup.

Leo frowned. “I’ve got a little something to add to the soup.”

“Salt? I can’t find the salt. Do you have the salt?”

“No. How about some arsenic?”

“ARSENIC?” Bojan dropped the spoon into the soup.

“Shh,” Leo ordered him. 

“Arsenic is poison!” Bojan shot back in a harsh whisper. “It would kill them!”

“Good,” Leo said. “It’s nothing they don’t deserve.”

“We can’t kill the king...kings...whoever all those people are!” Bojan said. “No. We can’t!”

“Why not? They’re horrible to us! Maybe if we killed them all we could..I don’t know! Not have to live like this!”

“For the fifteen minutes before we’re killed for killing them?”

Leo sighed. “You can claim it was an accident! Or that someone switched the arsenic with your salt.”

Bojan sighed. “I don’t know.”

Leo came over to Bojan and leaned against him. “Would you do it for me?”

Bojan started to giggle. “For you…?”

“Sure,” Leo said as he smiled at Bojan. “You put to poison in the soup. We...find a place to go be together…?”

Bojan giggled again. “You and...me?”

“Yeah,” Leo said as he leaned up to give Bojan a kiss.

“Arsenic in the soup it is!!!”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone's poisoned the Jam Tarts

The great hall was set for the feast. Gerard arrived early to claim his seat on the throne, but arrived to see Carles and David already intrenched at the top of the room. 

“Dammit,” he muttered and drifted off the the side of the room where Diego was sitting, looking angry. Okay, yes, he always looked a bit angry, but he like, looked extra angry. “What’s our next move?”

“Our, sire?” Diego asked.

“Yes!” Gerard hissed. “You’re still my henchman.”

Diego didn’t disagreed, but… 

“What?” Gerard asked.

“You need to man up, sire.”

“Man up??” Gerard asked. He was very manly, thank you very much.

“Yes!” Digeo hissed. “You’ve got Iker fighting for you. Iker doesn’t even like you!”

“Sure he...does…,” Gerard said, but if he was honest, he knew damn well that Iker was only helping him out to get what he wanted. “Okay, fine. What should I do?”

“Fight your own battle,” Diego said. “Challenge your brother to a duel, without champions.”

“Have you seen him?” Gerard squeaked. “He’s a fucking adonis. I’m a bean pole.”

“He’s not quick,” Diego countered. “He relies on his strength. You have a longer reach and you are quicker.”

“Aw, thanks, Diego!”

Diego resisted the urge to make a snide comment. “If you truly want to win David back, you must man up and prove you are worth of his...love.”

“Yes!” Gerard said. “I will challenge him!”

“Not now!” Diego grabbed his arm before Gerard could make a complete ass of himself. “Wait until after the feast, when everyone is heavy with food and drink. They will be more easily swayed to your side.”

Gerard nodded sagely. “Yes, you are very wise Diego. You could, like, be a king.”

Diego did not agree or disagree, but he’d often had the thought himself. While he was loyal to Gerard as was his place, he knew that as a long observer of the royal courts, he saw them often react rather than reflect and plan. If these dumbasses would simply stop and think, they’d get a lot further in life.

At that moment, Bojan appeared, pushing a cart of food, and the interest of the room focused on him. He stared down at the cart, not making eye contact with anyone in the room.

The court rose and took their seats at the long trestle tables which had been set out as Bojan scurried about to set the dishes in the correct locations. The finest items were reserve for the royalty, the other nobles got what was left over. Bojan’s hands were shaking slightly as he laid out the foods and ran back to the kitchen.

Carles and David took the seats at the top of the table, and Philippe was sat to the left of Carles along with several of his retinue, Pepe uncomfortably at his side. Gerard was forced to sit several places down, far from the best of the food. He watched David pick up the platter of jam tarts and tip most of them onto his plate. He looked up and smiled sweetly at Gerard as he offered the rest to Philippe.

“Prince Philippe, you must try these jam tarts. Our chef makes the best in all the seven realms.”

“Ooh, I love a jam tart!” Philippe said as he crammed several in his mouth.

The platter was soon empty and Gerard was forlorn. Those were HIS jam tarts, dammit.

As David stuffed the tarts in his face, Gerard turned away. Nothing in front of him looked any good now that he knew there were jam tarts and he wasn’t getting any.

Above the hall, peering over the balcony Leo watched the proceedings, waiting hopefully for the carnage to begin. He’d had to leave the kitchen to tend to David before Bojan had decided what poisons to use and he didn’t know when to expect people to start dying horrible deaths.

Bojan joined him.

“Oooh, is it coming soon?” Leo asked gleefully as he grabbed Bojan’s arm.

“Any time,” Bojan said shiftily

“Don’t tell me what you did,” Leo said as he cuddled close. “I want a surprise.”

“I’m sure you will be,” Bojan said as he enjoyed the contact.

On cue, David clutched his middle and let out an almighty fart. Eyes grew wide around him, but everyone was too polite to mention it.

“Whew! That stinks!” 

Well, almost everyone.

Prince Philippe was waving his nose as he gave David a disgusted look. However, Philippe gave out a trump of his own and started to giggle.

Next to him, Pepe looked fairly suicidal.

David’s stomach began to gurgle ominously.

“Here we go!!!” Leo said.

David, clutching his middle, ran from the room. Prince Philippe was close on his heels. The rest of the table watched them leave with mild looks of concern.

“Looks like something they ate didn’t agree with them,” Carles said as he took a bite from a chicken leg. 

Leo’s face fell. “What happened?”

“I mixed some aloe juice in with the jam. It gives you the runs.”

“That’s not fatal!” Leo protested.

“No…” Bojan said. 

Leo sighed, but laid his head on Bojan’s shoulder. “They would have beheaded you.”

“Very likely,” Bojan agreed. “I know our lot in life isn’t the best, but all things considered, it could be a lot worse.”

“You might still get beheaded,” Diego growled as he grabbed the pair by the arms and dragged them down to the dungeon.

* * * *

“That was not Bojan’s best meal,” Gerard said even as he suppressed a grin.

Pepe had stopped eating when he’d seen the others run off. He was currently sitting at the table, leaning his head on his hands. Where was Iker? Shouldn’t he come and save the day?

“We’re having your chef, Bojan, executed,” Carles casually mentioned down the table. 

“You can’t have my chef executed!” Gerard protested. “Only I can kill my own servants!”

“Apparently he poisoned the jam tarts.”

“OFF WITH HIS HEAD!” Gerard roared.

“They’re in the dungeon,” Diego reported.

“Good. Now. Carles, we need to talk,” Gerard said as he stood.

“Sit down,” Carles said. “Now. Shall we fetch Iker so we can get this duel over with and I can get on with being king of this place?”

“You want to have the duel NOW?” Gerard asked.

“No time like the present.”

“Well, we can’t duel now,” Gerard proclaimed. “We have to wait for dawn. Everyone knows you duel at dawn.”

Carles gave him a withering look.

“And while we’re on the subject of duels, I challenge you, my brother to a duel!”

“Uh, that’s already what we’re doing. Pay attention, dumbass,” Carles sighed as he got up from the dinner table and went to claim his spot on the throne.

“No, I don’t want to have Iker fight for me! I shall be the first king in history to fight his own duel!”

“Whaaaaaa?” exclaimed the crowd.

“Totes,” Gerard said with a smug look.

“Fine, Diego can kill you. That will save me a step,” Carles agreed.

“Wait, WHAT?” Gerard gasped. “No! I was supposed to fight YOU!”

“Well, that ain’t happening. Diego? Put my dumbass brother in the dungeon. I can’t have him escaping before I you slice him to pieces in the morning.”

“I’M STILL THE KING!” Gerard shouted as Diego grabbed his arm and dragged him toward the exit.

“Not for much longer,” Carles rolled his eyes. “Right. Prince Philippe? Did you come here for a friendly visit or did you need something?”

“I came to recuse Pepe!” Philippe raised himself to his full four and a half feet and looked rather regal.

“Great, take him away. You want his parents too? Those short kings?”

“Why not?” Philippe said with a shrug. 

“Have at them. Guards? See that Prince Philippe has his people and show him on his way.”

“What? No dessert?” Philippe pouted.

“The jam tarts were tainted.”

“Dammit,” Philippe said with a pout and strode after the guards. Pepe went with him. The last thing in the universe he wanted was to marry that kid, but if it got him out of this place, he’d give it a go.

* * * *

Down in the dungeon, it was a bit of chaos.

“Right, Gerard, you and Iker are leaving right now,” Diego said. “I’ve got some pirates who’ve agreed to see you back to your land.”

“Pirates! I don’t want to go with pirates!” Gerard pouted.

“Look, I don’t want to have to kill you in the morning. If you go now, we can pretend you and Iker overcame me and escaped.”

“What about us?” Sergio asked. “Can we come?”

“No,” Diego said as he grabbed Iker.

“I must rescue Pepe!” Iker protested. 

“Later,” Diego scowled and yanked him along with Gerard, out the back entrance.

At about that time, Prince Philippe arrived with Pepe. “Good news Kings Davids! You get to come live with me at Liverpool.”

“Liverpool?” Silva made a face. “Can’t we go to Manchester?”

“No,” Villa growled.

“Come on!” Philippe said cheerfully as he led the way. 

The David’s followed, Silva taking Pepe’s arm. “Iker just left with Gerard. Don’t make a fuss.”

“But I love him!”

“Later!” Silva hissed.

Sergio scuttled along behind the troupe, and when no one stopped him, Leo grabbed Bojan’s hand and pulled him after.

“What are you doing?” Bojan whispered.

“Saving our asses!”


End file.
